Thoughts on Love's Mishaps

bye bye blogger.

2010-08-08T00:03:00.000-07:00

find me here.

starting over.

2010-08-06T06:47:00.000-07:00

think i'm gonna get rid of this blog and switch to tumblr.

just need something new. a sign of the times. i'm ready for my life to start! hurry up 3L. be done with it.

been a while

2010-07-07T17:54:00.001-07:00

summer 2010 has been beyond exciting. i've met new people, traveled, and have kept myself quite busy at the harris county district attorney's office.

i love my summer internship. i've learned so much and i've had so much fun in the process. psh. i'd choose this stuff over class any day. i can't remember the last time i was this excited to be an attorney. it's so close i can taste it. i'm so motivated for next year. i'm even more motivated to study and pass that darn bar exam. bring it!

the blessing of this summer is realizing how my life is just about to start. i can enjoy this time while anticipating all the cool things that are to come.

not to mention that i've been really selfish this summer. not in a bad way, really. it's just that, i've focused on what i need when i need it. i've taken time to myself. i hang out with my friends when i can. but, i don't stress out about it. it happens or it doesn't. and when it does, it's perfect. same thing with guys. work. i'm taking care of myself the way i need to.

i've found that i really am growing up. i used to be scared about asserting myself, about having an opinion or being strong. now, i could care less what people think about me. i am who i am and i do what i do. you either like it or you don't.

so many times people look at me and make their assumptions. it's written all over their face. haha. if only they knew that i've been given the gift of the gut. i can feel a person's energy around me. awkward. comfortable. hesitant. haha.

you wouldn't believe the surprised looks i get when i tell people i'm about to be a third year in law school. that innocent, young-looking face is deceptive. people don't think i'm capable of such things or don't think that i have opinions about some really hot-button topics out there.

when "the coming of age" part of one's life is kind of put on hold (thanks law school), you better believe they are more eager than ever to really and truly assert themselves in that big ole crazy world. yup.

you probably don't know . . .

2010-04-23T20:20:00.001-07:00

-that i'm the only child.

-i was a huuuuuuuge band nerd in high school. got me to assistant drum major. ;)

-i actually like country music.

-i'm such a city girl, but the rural country intrigues me and brings me so much joy and peace.

-as much as i love fashion, i could really live without it all. t-shirt and jeans (or better yet, nike running shorts) are fine by me.

-i like physical labor. painting houses. pulling weeds. etc.

-i'm a devout catholic, and i stringently follow its doctrine. but, i love the challenge of remembering Jesus and what he would do in my shoes. this means to strive to love and treat everyone well. no matter how old, young, what they believe, who they love, who they hate, what they do, etc. i strive to love all.

-i'm a meyers-briggs enfp <---that should explain a lot about me. haha.

-i love texas, but i could live just about anywhere.

-though i'm filipina-american (asian-american), i've never really associated myself with the culture. at least, not beyond what it needed to be. i grew up color-blind, even to myself. that's not to say i don't appreciate my roots. i just never really identified myself by race alone. i identified myself through my experiences, family, and friends.

-i'm idealistic about love and the man, God-willing, i'm meant to spend the rest of my life with. but, i'm okay with it. i believe i'm worth holding out for the right one. and i believe that God will make that rather clear . . . in time. i just need to be patient. ;)

-God blessed me with a best friend, who is like a sister to me. i don't know what i'd do without her. (love ya, Catherine)

-if i don't make a living out of helping others, i will never be truly happy.

-i wish i could sing well.

-my ideal date: waking up super early in the morning, going out to the hill country to watch the sunrise, blanket on the grass, homemade breakfast to-go.

-the song i most identify with is Barlow Girl's Here's My Life.

-i know i'm not perfect. trust me. but, day in and day out i strive to do my best and to love God and others in the process. it is only by God's grace, mercy, and love that i can continue to do this each day . . . no matter what challenges i face.

-ketchup is my favorite condiment.

sisterhood.

2010-04-22T11:31:00.001-07:00

i miss sisterhood. i can only explain it by saying that it's that circle of women in your life that you can be your complete and true self with. my experience with sisterhood, however, was even just a bit more. during my year of ministry with N.E.T. Ministries, i learned what profound, life-changing sisterhood is about. choosing love. accountability. vulnerability. growth. patience. and most important, learning from each other the essence of what it means to be a woman of God.

i can hardly say i have that in my life right now. i keep in touch with my NET sisters every now and then, but not as often as i'd like. and the convenient nature of facebook and e-mail keep me updated and well-informed but on a completely superficial level. i miss the openness and vulnerability that was sisterhood on the road.

one of the biggest struggles i've faced since N.E.T. is learning how to find Christ and holiness outside of the N.E.T. bubble. it's not easy. and i constantly vacillate between frustration and patience. how do i strive to love others well and to be understanding without losing sight of the holiness that i am meant for? that we are ALL meant for.

i don't want to isolate myself from people, but i don't want to compromise what i believe for my social life.

slowly but surely, i know God is giving me the answers. He's bringing people into my life that are helping me to strive for holiness. if anything, i know i can't do it alone.

speaking of N.E.T., a team is coming to Lubbock next month! i am so excited for them to be here! i'm hoping to catch team prayer with them. and maybe i can help out on retreat. unfortunately, it's during my first week of finals. yikes! so. God-willing, i will try to meet up with the team. =)

anyway, i better get going. there is much studying i need to do. blah!

1 out of 2: Baylor Lady Bears to Final Four!

2010-03-29T20:20:00.000-07:00

Being awkwardly short next to Freshman Brittney Griner. Haha!

At the Baylor v. Tech game in LBK

Seniors, Josh Lomers and Tweety Carter! We'll miss you guys!

The magical run that was this year's basketball season for my Baylor Bears came to a painful end yesterday with a 71-79 loss to Duke in the Elite Eight game of the South Regional Championship.

I didn't even get to watch the end of the game because I had to go to Mass. But, maybe it was for the best. I don't think my heart could have handled it.

As per my previous three posts, Baylor Men's Basketball has earned a very special place in my heart. I dunno what it is, but I feel like I know that basketball team personally. And I do. Because, what with what Baylor athletics has faced in years past, we've grown to be the underdog. We're used to it. And this winning thing is, in one word, surreal. And maybe it's about time we get used to winning. And heck, the rest of the world should probably get used to it to.

What's awesome is that both our men's and women's basketball teams made it to the Elite Eight. And tonight, the Lady Bears avenged the men's loss by beating Duke's women's basketball team to make it to the Final Four in San Antonio! 1 out of 2. I'll take it. And apparently, this is the first time in history that both a men's and women's basketball team have competed at the same level in a tournament against the same opposing school. Awesome. =) We're making history in all sorts of ways!

So proud of my Baylor Bears and already looking forward to next season. Who knows? Maybe football will actually be a contender this year. Griffin is back. Ohhh yeah. Sic 'Em Bears. ;)

ELITE 8!!!

2010-03-26T22:25:00.000-07:00

Congrats to Baylor Men's Basketball. Way to hush up those critics (AGAIN) by sending the cinderella of st. mary's back home to california! =)

Sweet 16! Ain't That Sweet?

2010-03-24T14:36:00.000-07:00

in further advocacy of my beloved Baylor Bears, i had to quickly type out this blog.

p.s. sorry for being so m.i.a. as of late but i've had issues with my macbook. ::tear:: i had to send it off for repairs. fortunately, i don't have to pay anything. but the absence of my dear macbook is, needless to say, depressing. so here i am in the library computer lab. odd.

ANYWAY. why is it that the year to choose the underdog is the year that baylor men's basketball is hailed and has high expectations thrust upon them? really???

oooo. st. mary's! oooo. northern iowa! oooo. cornell! gosh. i mean, what poor timing on baylor's part. i guess, though, we might have been that exciting underdog had we actually followed through (last year and the year before) and like st. mary's and northen iowa, stuck it to the man.

the irony! we finally come up as a legit final four contender only to be overshadowed by the underdogs of this year's ncaa tournament. it's frustrating. really. and at this point, sports commentators and sports enthusiasts everywhere are seemingly fearful of backing up the top-seeded teams. i don't blame them. hello, kansas. but, still...why is it that my beloved bears must face the brunt of it all???

villanova is out of the south region and the best espn can do is say that baylor is a legit THIRD choice behind st. mary's and even injury-ridden purdue?! come on now!

i get it. statistically, st. mary's and baylor are pretty neck-and-neck. but one st. mary's player (Samhan) shines and suddenly the talents of lacdarius dunn, tweety carter, epke udoh, anthony jones, quincy acy, and josh lomers are to be overlooked??? i don't think so.

not gonna lie. i'm fearful for this friday's game in houston, especially if baylor plays anything like they did during the opening round game vs. sam houston. gosh. that was painful. but, i'm backing my bears now more than ever. and were it not for a prior obligation to the hispanic law students association's annual scholarship banquet, you better believe my baylor bear butt would be in houston friday watching the game. at all costs, i would be there. ::sigh::

i guess, at this point, it's in God's hands. and, if anything, St. Mary's is a Catholic college. i wouldn't be losing out entirely. but, man. i really want baylor to win. i really want us to move on to the elite 8 with the possible chance of playing duke and tearing them to shreds. if even by one point. ahhh....!

due to the scholarship banquet friday night, i don't think i'll be able to watch the game. this is probably a good thing. it will surely keep my blood pressure down. checking espn.com and my cbs march madness apps, however, will prove to be equally nerve-racking.

so, here's to you baylor men's basketball. i love you, dearly. for your hard work, dedication, and quality representation of our university. continue to do so....on the court and off! i'll be praying for you!!!

love love love,
mariez

sore winner.

2010-03-03T14:45:00.000-08:00

i went to the baylor men's basketball game vs. tech last night. it was one of the best decisions i've made in a while. you know. one of those "treat myself" sort of decisions.

i had a blast. sat in the student section pretty close to the court. had some friends accompanying me. it was so much fun! i love my baylor bears. probably a bit too much, though. i was yelling loudly. and i was in the middle of tech students. i'm sure i got on their nerves. and it's not like i was yelling to purposefully upset them. i just...cheer on my team. especially my baylor bears. i'll further explain my zeal for cheering on my baylor bears later on.

as much fun as i had and even though baylor definitely won (86-68), i kinda felt like a chump. a sore winner. i was definitely getting looks from people and one girl sitting behind me said, loud enough so she'd be sure i'd hear, "does this girl know she's sitting in the student section?" hmm. okay. i get it. i probably wasn't being considerate of those around me. i would have been annoying by me.

BUT, when you're a baylor student or a baylor alumni, you know what kind of stuff baylor sports goes through. we're always the david against a goliath. we're always discounted. we always get so close. when you're close to the top and you fall...well, it's a long fall. and that bitter taste of almost-victory is left lingering. and it's not an easy pill to swallow.

the summer before my freshman year at baylor, a tragic event rattled the baylor and waco communities. one baylor basketball player fatally shot one of his teammates, patrick dennehy.

i went to patrick's memorial service that fall. yeah, i didn't know him or his family, but that's what baylor is to its students. it's a support system. a family. you feel it when you walk on campus, in the classrooms, among professors, and among the student body. it's inexplicable. and only baylor people get it.

translate this to the sports world, especially for the baylor men's basketball program. our sports teams have to work harder than other teams because our name isn't the solid Texas or OU. people don't know what to think about us. i get it. so, we've been rebuilding. we're building an identity in the college sports world that people can recognize and can recognize with respect.

not to mention that baylor's worst sport is probably football. and we live in a state where football is everything. we're great at everything else and have national championships under our belts for men's tennis and women's basketball. but, our egos are crushed each football season. and even then, what i have discovered about being a baylor fan, is that we still have hope. we've got to. for our coaches, our players, our community, and each other. honestly, it is this hope that makes our school special and deepens the connections we have with each other. i want nothing more than for our baylor teams to succeed, but honestly, if it changed the nature of our school and the way our fans support and encourage each other then well...maybe it wouldn't be worth it.

what i'm getting at is that every win for baylor men's basketball is a stepping stone past its tragic history and a sweet escape from the disappointment of football season.

coach drew scott is a saving grace for our team and we commend him for the rebuilding that he has done. he took a team that suffered from administrative fraud, a tragic crime, the murder of a player, and an entire season of sitting out, to a team that has had two consecutive seasons of at least 20 wins, a bid to the NCAA Tournament for the first time in the program's history and a trip to the NIT Championship Game.

this year we've faced the same naysayers. we weren't supposed to be that good. but, as of today, we're the highest ranked team in texas and are likely to have a spot in the NCAA Tournament come mid-march.

despite the fact that i screamed my lungs out at the game last night and probably upset the people around me, my screaming wasn't just coming from my lungs. it was from my heart.

i respect the fact that everyone must have a loyalty to their alma mater. but, when you're a baylor fan, there's something more. something extra special.

it took a lot for us to get here.

so let us shine.

love love love,

mariez

the sunshine after the rain.

2010-03-02T10:35:00.001-08:00

i know i often write about my painful experiences in life and rarely about the joys. but, it's the whole "without the bitter the sweet ain't as sweet" sort of thing.

i identify so much more with Christ in His passion. weird, huh? i guess it's because, throughout most of my life, i've always felt like the outsider. the asian chick who's best friends were hispanic and african-american. the filipina who didn't want to be a doctor but wanted to be a lawyer. the filipina with a spanish last name who wasn't spanish and who had to always explain why. the catholic at the largest baptist university in the world. the gal who likes having a good time without going overboard. the gal who takes time to understand but is always so misunderstood.

Jesus was always misunderstood. and even when his followers thought they understood him, they'd do something really silly (like deny Christ three times) or freak out ("oh no! there's a storm a brewing and Jesus is asleep!").

Oftentimes, I feel like Jesus must have felt. Standing in that circle, accused of a crime he didn't commit. People spitting in his face, ridiculing him and mocking him. Testing him ("if you are the Messiah, save yourself!").

I'm not trying to victimize myself here. What I am saying is that striving to live a Christian life is NOT easy. i write about this all time. i write about this all the time because that is what i am constantly experiencing. and it gets tiring. and it hurts. it hurts a lot.

The problem is that, with this pain (of disappointment and of betrayal), i know that i must forgive and move on. but, i am fearful that my trust in others is broken. how can i love as i am called to love when i am hurt by those i love the most? my father. guys. lukewarm friendships. i know i cannot alienate myself from others. i can't run away from these emotions or these issues. i have to face them. but, i'm tired of hurting. i'm tired of being disappointed. i'm tired of being taken advantage of.

some people say i should just stop caring. people say i shouldn't be so quick to trust or to love. but, Christ loved without question. the lady at the well, the blind man, his own persecutors.

i know i am not Christ. but, i strive to be Christ-like.

i guess the answer is to know i don't have the answers.

i can only try my best each day: random acts of kindness. words of affirmation. prayer. forgiveness.

i don't have to put my full trust in people around me. but, i must put my full trust in Christ. i must remember that he loves me unconditionally. and, as monsignor told me this weekend, i must: "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides." -Matthew 6:33

love love love,

mariez

weekend wisdom.

2010-02-28T22:30:00.000-08:00

i learned a lot this weekend:

-the likelihood of a friendship surviving a former romance (in any shape, color, or form) is slim. proceed cautiously.

-throwing in the towel isn't always the answer. sometimes, we need to fight battles that we know we'll lose. why? because we learn from them and acquire strength of character from them.

-be a gracious loser.

-people appreciate it when you're up front with them. basing things off assumption is never a safe way to go. man up. approach things in a tactile, mature manner and 9 times out of 10, you'll get a good response. it shows respect and consideration. don't be shady.

-an initial attraction, beyond just a physical attraction, is probably there for a reason. don't be afraid to explore it.

-it's exciting when you realize said previous lesson.

-checking off that to-do list sometimes means putting people on hold. don't be afraid to do it.

-never ever ever deprive yourself of God's Grace. if you're Catholic, go to reconciliation, get into that awesome state of grace, and receive Christ in the Eucharist!

-my mom is awesome. and she gets more awesome with each passing day.

-i'm still insanely in love with new york city.

-hockey is an amazing, amazing sport.

-i can watch The September Issue (a DVD documentary about the making of a September issue of Vogue) over and over again.

-dancing is, by far, the best way to burn calories.

happy March, all! =)

love love love,

mariez

fashion week and bryant park divorce.

2010-02-11T09:15:00.000-08:00

fashion week in nyc started yesterday. and it's the last time it will be held at the tents at bryant park. i just read a nytimes article about it. to paraphrase: the essence of nyc fashion week has been well-associated with bryant park, which is in the garment district. unfortunately, the garment district is declining in gusto and the tents' move could be furthering that.

because of outsourcing, the recession, and their landlords' desire to turn factory buildings into luxury apartments, those who have made a living selling threads, buttons, and fabrics are fleeing the garment district.

when i was in nyc for a semester, i lived just a few blocks from bryant park. and it's true. this so-called garment district looks and feels like anything BUT that.

until fashion week. fashion week brings sense to the garment district. it will be sad to see the tents go...even from all the way here in texas.

got to go to a fashion show (Jason Wu) at bryant park. so amazing.

loved this comment, following the nytimes article:

My first time shooting photos backstage, for Dossier Journal at last season's Diane Von Furstenberg show, and coming across this hand-written set of instructions for the models to walk by:

FLUIDITY
SENSUALITY
CONFIDENCE
STRENGTH
go for it girls!
*NO STOPS*

I thought that seemed like good advice to take well beyond the runway.

-Jenni Avins

change.

2010-02-08T22:13:00.001-08:00

it comes in waves. unexpectedly. when you think you're not ready. when you can't anticipate it. oh, we think we can control change. we think we can will things to be this or that. but, really. at the end of the day, change happens. and we must adapt. we can still decide. this is true. we can decide how we will respond.

i set many goals for myself this year. and, as with many things, this is of course a marathon and not a sprint.

some people don't like to be alone. i surely don't. but, when i'm alone (in the physical sense), i get the most clarity. i can sit, immersed in my thoughts. i'm here with my Creator, and He reminds me of why i get up each morning, ready to conquer the long day ahead. facing the battles of this treacherous earth.

for someone who loves fashion, i will tell you now...that what matters more to me than ANYTHING, is what's going on inside of me. my heart, my spirit, my soul, my mind. inner beauty. it might be easy to label me as one who cares too much about my looks because i don't like what's inside (when, really...it's just my amazing fashion-sense, lol). but aside from the infallibility that we are all cursed with, i am 100% incredibly happy with who i am. not 100% with all the decisions i make. or with the things i say or do sometimes. but to the core, i know who i am. and i love me.

what hurts, though, about loving yourself (truly and genuinely), is realizing that not everyone will come to know your true self. but that's okay. people are meant to come in and out of our lives for a reason. the challenge here is to not resort to scoffing and thinking, "Their loss," but accepting it as God's Will, understanding that it is beyond your control, letting it go, and embracing what you do have.

true, long-lasting friendships are both a blessing and a curse. a blessing, because of course, they are gifts to be cherished. true friendships last through it all. thick and thin. mistakes. mishaps. joys. fears. failures. a curse, because of expectations and greed. my many wonderful friendships have misled me to believe that every person i come across should respond to me the same way. that there is a budding friendship to grab hold of, embrace, enjoy, and invest in.

that's not always the case. and sometimes, these friendships come and go and come again.

such is the course of life, i suppose.

my only hope, of course, is that those who are close to me know how much i truly adore them. being the only child, my friendships mean more to me than a lot in this world.

love love love,

mariez

detox diet. day one.

2010-01-18T17:44:00.001-08:00

so, a few of my friends and i are on a detox diet for one week. it's supposed to clean out the toxins in our bodies, help our skin, etc. so far so good. though, i'm afraid i'm not consuming as many calories as i need to. but meh. what do i know about counting calories? lol.

this is what i consumed today:

-two glasses of water first thing in the morning; one with half a lemon squeezed into it

-a banana and a half a cup of brown rice for breakfast

-a cup of vegetable broth for a mid-morning snack (by far, the worst part of this diet)

-a cup of mixed veggies (carrots, corn, peas, and green beans) for lunch

-a cup of vegetable broth for a mid-afternoon snack

-and for dinner, a salad (romaine, spinach, carrots, and a little bit of raspberry hazelnut dressing; by far, the best meal of the day)

already, i feel so much more energized and healthy. i've cut out all crazy carbs and bad sugars. and making it a point to drink many glasses of water throughout the day makes a difference. we'll see how this goes. it's only day one, so there's no telling how i'll hold up the rest of the week.

not gonna lie, the most difficult part (aside from downing the vegetable broth) is resisting the amazing, wonderful foods out there. ahh. i am craving anything and everything right now. pizza. ice cream. cake. chicken strips. tacos. you name it, i want it. funny thing is, i shouldn't eat those foods even when i'm not on some crazy detox diet!

which brings me to my next topic: body image.

i've never been completely, absolutely unhappy about my body. sure, there are things i pick at, wishing they'd disappear or wishing they'd be different. but overall, i've been pretty satisfied. until now.

okay. don't get me wrong. i'm not DISsatisfied, really. i'm just, frustrated. it's like studying and grades. i know when i'm working and studying to my fullest potential and so whatever grade i receive, i'm (for the most part) willing to accept it. same concept, but applied to my physical health and appearance. i've just sat in neutral most of the past few years. sure, at some points i'm motivated, i get into a routine, but a month later, i'm "prioritizing" and no longer working out. granted, school is uber busy and there are definitely days when i cannot get a work out in.

but, i wonder. have i even worked that hard to stay dedicated to a consistent routine? nope. have i reached my full potential? not at all.

all things considered, there's room for lots of improvement. and honestly, i'm not hoping to look like a superstar. but, i need to know i'm doing everything i can possibly do to reach my fullest potential. i don't think there's anything wrong with that.

so, here goes. =) i hope!

randoms.

2010-01-17T21:35:00.001-08:00

-i love, love, love being Catholic. the celebration of Mass is the same each Sunday but each time, i get something different. and i learn to appreciate and love my faith more and more. aren't those the best relationships? when you can continue to grow, learn, and love? Catholic is who i am. i'm blessed.

-this really is going to be a great semester: the Comment will be finished. i've decided to refrain from BoB (this equals more time to focus on school and less stress). Spring Awakening in Dallas (April-May; i hope i can make it!). feeling more grown up and more ready to conquer the world. wonderful friends. focused. the best friend is visiting this semester. NYC with my mom in May.

-i love my NET team, especially my sisters. such holy women of God. wanting nothing more than to have a relationship with our King. our Savior. our Prince. i look up to them so much. and though we're so busy and so physically far from each other, they are a part of me. i love them.

-detox diet day one starts tomorrow. i'm nervous.

-i love my mom. she's my rock. she's the strongest woman i know.

-it hurts my heart to know that a lot of people, including myself sometimes, are looking for true happiness in such fleeting things of this world.

-it hurts my heart to know that people are afraid to open their hearts and minds to a bigger power. always feeling the need to control. when true freedom comes from letting go. and trusting. and embracing the blessings of NOW.

-it hurts my heart to know that people find their worth in WHAT they do. in their "accomplishments." in what the world has told them is "successful" and "worthy." you are dignified, important, and loved because you are. no conditions. you just are.

resolutions refined.

2010-01-15T07:16:00.000-08:00

with the first week of classes under my belt and my schedule of activities and projects in full swing, it's time to reevaluate my resolutions for the year.

they're all basically the same but i've tweaked them a bit to make them more realistic. i'll also comment on how i've been doing with accomplishing them day to day. because, that's what's important to me. little things to check of my daily to-do list are easier for me to handle. they're realistic and achievable and not some lofty goal that will not come to fruition within 24 hours. the fruits of my focus keep me going.

so here they are:

-have a multi-vitamin every day (so far so good; it's so easy to forget in all the hustle and bustle of my day)

-make healthy food choices (i've been pretty successful in this, though i feel like i could have resisted more in some situations; i'm not going to deprive myself of social gatherings simply because the food involved is horrible).

-work out (this has been going well, though this week required me to chill out a bit; funny enough, i worked out the hardest yesterday evening and now i can't get enough-ready to get to exercising today!)

-keep the drinking to a minimum (i've only had about one drink per social occasion; this is going well, but i am realizing how difficult it is to achieve; my law school friends love to go out ;)

-keep off facebook during class (incredibly successful. unfortunately, i seem to be making up for lost time on FB once class is out...and i joined Twitter...ugh...which is a blog topic in and of itself).

-daily prayer (initially, i set an amount of time for this; but, i realized that getting any kind of personal prayer in during the day is a success in and of itself...and i've been doing that. no need to feel guilty for getting only 5 minutes or 7 or 10 or 20. i figure, so long as i'm making quiet time for God, i'm accomplishing my goal).

-focus on me (i've been taking care of myself and have been focusing on those relationships/friendships that are healthy and important to me-this is going well; i'm very blessed)

-keep up with outlines (since this is the first week of class, i don't have much to outline quite yet; though, i'm going to do what i can starting tomorrow).

so there ya have it! it's a long list, for sure. but it's a long list of small things that will have a huge positive impact on my lifestyle. that's what i'm aiming for. =)

love love love,

Mariez

laughter.

2010-01-13T21:42:00.000-08:00

while in the midst of it, finding pros about law school is awfully difficult at times. there are, however, significant pros in the people i've met. one being: HUMOR. i have met some of the funniest most witty and entertaining people in my life in law school. guess we're just that type. because, oh yes, even my own wit and pizazz have increased since being in law school. gotta love it.

G'night. =)

love love love,

Mariez

how could i forget???

2010-01-08T15:42:00.000-08:00

Honorable Mention Hot Guy

MARK SALLING!

I can't believe I forgot to put him in my Top 5. Perhaps it's because he's an up-and-coming celebrity. Salling is a 27-year-old Texan (he grew up in Dallas) who moved out to L.A. to pursue a music career and instead, found himself playing the rebellious football player with a soft spot on the hit show, Glee. If you've not seen a show, check it out! There are full episodes to view. He also has a website dedicated to his music. Enjooooooy!

fine food and hot guys.

2010-01-07T07:42:00.000-08:00

as a result of my new years resolutions, i've started eating more healthy. and to do so, i've looked up some healthy recipes. thus far, they have been incredibly successful. each recipe i've tried has had been chockfull of flavor and i'm assuming (because i've not checked, really) full of nutrients. or if anything, lacking the very unhealthy things found in fast food and other indulgent foods.

another one of my new years resolutions requires me to focus more on myself: spiritually, physically, emotionally. in 2009, i learned the hard way that a big part of that requires me to guard my heart (see supra post). this, however, does not mean that i do not appreciate God's creation that is man. =) hahaha! i suppose i've always been guy crazy (in the most classy way, mind you!), so in honor of God's beautiful creations, i'm laying out my Top 5. these are guys, unfortunately, that i have less than a 1% chance of meeting, much less dating. either way, it's still fun to have celeb crushes.

so here are my top 5 healthy food recipes and top 5 guys i wish i had even the slightest chance of dating:

Number 5

Fine Food: Quick Pizza

i love love love pizza! unfortunately, it's not the most healthy food out there-even if you go all-out on the veggies. breaking down the components of a pizza, it doesn't take much to find that the healthy factor of the pizza is dependent on more than just the toppings. this quick pizza recipe is super simple and satisfies that pizza craving without sacrificing nutrition. half of a whole wheat pita, tomato sauce, shredded mozzarella, and oregano. pop it in the oven, and you've a great snack to pair with a salad.

Hot Guy: Tiki Barber

Age 35, Tiki Barber is a former New York Giants pro football player. he is currently a sports correspondent for NBC. i like Tiki because he adds to my love of football. not only do i get football coverage but i get to look at a hot guy in the process. sure, there are tons of hot guys out on the football field. but the pads and helmets get in the way. a hot guy in a suit talking about football??? perfection! and apparently Tiki digs asian women, as he is married to Ginny Cha, who is of Korean and Vietnamese descent. way to pick 'em Tiki!

Number 4

Fine Food: A Better Breakfast Pita

goodbye whataburger breakfast burritos. say hello to the better breakfast pita. baby spinach, eggs, salt and pepper (to taste), whole wheat pita, and a sprinkle of cheddar cheese. i like this because it's super quick to make and it gets a good serving of veggies in at the beginning of the day. plus, this is something i can whip up and take to-go!

Hot Guy: Rob Kardashian

at 24 years of age, Robert Kardashian Jr. is famous by association. his sister, kim kardashian, is famous for . . . well, being pretty. this is where the whole "famous for doing nothing" situation comes in. what an epidemic this has become! oh well. ever since the Kardashian family was showcased in Keeping Up With the Kardashians on E! Rob has captured my eye. he is one of many examples that interracial relationships are a blessing from God. half armenian and half "american" (sorry, couldn't find kris jenner's heritage. haha.), Rob is doing good things for armenia with those killer looks. way to represent. lol.

Number 3

Fine Food: Heart Healthy Apple Muffins

love love love! i absolutely love to bake, so i was super excited to try this recipe when i found it on the foodnetwork.com! find the recipe here. it's an instructional video, but if you wait until the end of it, you can get the recipe to print out. i failed to use enough buttermilk in my first batch, but they still came out wonderfully! they are full of flavor and i don't feel the least bit guilty when i eat one. it's great as a snack or a to-go breakfast option.

Hot Guy: Tie-Shemar Moore and Justin Timberlake

Words? Unnecessary. But as for informative tidbits: 40-years-old (I know, huh?!), of African-American and French-Canadian descent, spent eight years on The Young and the Restless, and is currently on A&E's Criminal Minds. The epitome of hot, perhaps!

don't tell him, but J.C. was my favorite when *NSync was still at the top of the music charts. haha. those were the days! but post-break up with britney and post-*NSync, solo JT captured my heart. this kid has got everything: southern charm (he's from Tennessee), great vocal talent, sick dance moves, and he's incredibly hilarious. he'll be 30-years-old at the end of the month. crazy!

Number 2

Fine Food: Tofu and Black Bean Tacos

tofu. that word in and of itself grosses people out. but why??? tofu is essentially curdled soy milk. there is no real distinctive taste, which means it can be a meat substitute for all sorts of dishes. it is low in calories, a good source of iron, and contains little fat. the variety of spices (including cumin, coriander, and chili pepper) turns boring tofu into an insanely flavorful beef substitute for tacos. mix in some black beans for fiber and put the mixture into a corn tortilla for a legitimate, filling, meal!

Hot Guy: Jake Gyllenhaal

my admiration for Jake likens that of the guys i've dated that did not first stick out to me. ya know...the guy that, one day, magically becomes a crush, even though i've been friends with him for quite some time. because after watching Donnie Darko, which i believe was the first movie i saw starring Jake, i didn't give him a second thought. perhaps it was his character. creepy! from then on, he popped up every now and then. of course, his role in the controversial, yet moving,Brokeback Mountain (starring the late Heath Ledger...r.i.p.) is what seemed to put this kid in the forefront of entertainment news. his (formerISH?) relationship with reese witherspoon (i love her!) and his famous sib maggie makes Jake one of those guys-next-door types. i like Jake 'cause despite his claim-to-fame, he seems like a guy anyone could strike up a conversation with. plus, he's incredibly good-looking but not too pretty. lol. gotta appreciate that sense of normalcy!

Number 1!!!

Fine Food: Berry Waffle Sandwich
this is my numero uno for one reason: INDULGENTLY DELICIOUS!!! it combines some of my most favorite things, is something i can make quickly and take on the go, and did i mention it was indulgently delicious?! the health factor might be slightly compromised, depending on how much cream cheese you use. i love cream cheese, so this could be an issue in the future. lol. take two frozen waffles (i use whole wheat, of course), after toasting, spread one with whipped cream cheese and the other with strawberry preserves; place fresh, sliced strawberries and blackberries on the waffle with the cream cheese, place the other strawberry-preserve covered waffle on top to make a waffle sandwich, take a bite and feel that much closer to heaven!

Hot Guy: Vinny Guadagnino

hahahaha. i might have to pull out my advocacy skills on this one for many reasons: he's famous for nothing, he's only 22-years-old, and he's from one of the many socially degrading MTV shows, The Jersey Shore. i know! what is it about this guy that makes me like him? honestly, the only downside to his character (as interpreted, edited, and conveyed by MTV...which is questionable to begin with) is that he curses a lot and perhaps parties "too much." granted, i highly doubt any of my top 5 guys is a complete angel! still, what i like about Vinny is that, out of all the cast members, he seems to be the most legit. pros: he has a college degree, he's a self-proclaimed mama's boy, he LOVES dancing ("listen to me, i dance because it's something inside me . . . i feel the beat . . . right, it might just so happen that my fists might just pump in the air . . . it might just happen."), after one of his female roommates was punched in the face by a guy, Vinny was incredibly upset and once he calmed down wanted to see her so he could find out how she was doing ("this was just like, a regular girl...like my sister or my friends...and you're like a grown-a** guy, and you punch her in the mouth???"), he knows what a respectable woman is all about ("they're pretty cool...ya know, there are some girls that are just gonna come here, strip off their clothes, and jump into the jacuzzi...then there are some girls that are respectful...that you have to just actually treat like girls, human beings, and these were those type of girls."), he has an accent, he's hilarious, he cleans, and he says grace at meal time!!! what's not to love? lol.

needless to say, i am NOT ashamed of my crush on Vinny G. haha. he's literally just a kid from staten island, new york. he's probably the most normal out of all the guys in my top 5. famous for nothing. even more so than Rob Kardashian b/c he (from what i know) didn't have a famous attorney father and doesn't have siblings who are famous for looking good and dating pro sports players. with Vinny, it's basically, "what you see is what you get." hmm...again, MTV's version. but this is my take on it: if your character turns out to be pretty decent even AFTER MTV has had its chance to interpret it with its editing, then you must be a pretty decent guy! haha.

well, i hope you enjoyed this little foray into the world of healthy food and good-looking guys!

until next time!

love love love,

mariez

ahah.

2010-01-06T13:20:00.000-08:00

"ahah" moments. those moments when things click. small things. big things. anything. i enjoy these moments as most of them (because of law school) leave me utterly confused and lost.

i had an "ahah" moment today. it was when i was cleaning.

side note: i absolutely LOVE cleaning. any kind of cleaning. today has been dedicated to thorough cleaning: cleaning even the inside of my toaster, underneath the stove top ranges, and cleaning out the inside of my bathroom drawers, etc. there is nothing like an almost immaculately clean apartment, house, car, carrel, what have you.

i keep certain words, phrases, bible verses written on my bathroom mirror to serve as daily reminders to me. i've had "FOCUS!" and "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30" up on my mirror since last summer. so as i was cleaning today, the HS guided me and gave me my verse for the semester: "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23. it has always been one of my favorites, but i need it as a reminder...now, more than ever. i have more of that passage on my FB profile. it is definitely my theme verse for the year.

With closest custody, guard your ♥ heart, for in it are the sources of life. Put away from you dishonest talk, deceitful speech put far from you. Let your eyes look straight ahead and your glance be directly forward. Survey the path for your feet, and let all your ways be sure. Turn neither to right nor to left, keep your foot far from evil." -Proverbs 4:23-27

i've also a list of my daily goals written on my mirror. to have such a list will definitely keep me focused. i know these seem like minute details that cannot possibly seem to make an impact on me day to day. but ehh...it's so easy for me to get off track. i'm an enfp, according to meyers-briggs. it's frighteningly and humorously accurate. apparently i am very enthusiastic about life but as a result, i am easily bored and i like too many things. hence, my need for focus. hence, my motivating verses and words and lists. haha.

anyway. just thought i'd share a snippet of that. being back in the LBK has been very good for me. once i get the apartment in tip-top shape, it'll be time to kick it into academic high gear. eek.

love love love,

mariez

el nuevo ano. dos mil diez.

2010-01-02T14:08:00.000-08:00

january 2, 2010.

another year gone. another year come. and i would much rather write about the year i hope to have instead of the year i just experienced.

2009 wasn't miserable but it wasn't pretty either. i experienced my most challenging semester of school and i fumbled over and over again in the relationship area. fortunately, one year's time can bring about great lessons. but, if you're an avid reader of my blog (haha), then you're aware of what i've learned time and time again so there's no need to discuss it.

at this moment, all i want to do is look forward. to the good times and to the ways i can build myself up spiritually, emotionally, and physically to tackle the challenges that will surely come to pass.

so here are my resolutions:

-train for a 5k (this is kind of funny as i don't really aim to run a 5k, but i need a steady work out plan to keep me in check)

-eat more healthy

-keep my drinking of alcoholic beverages to a minimum (i've not decided the numbers just yet. it may be limited to only one drink per social occasion)

-keep off facebook during class (this will probably be the most difficult one to stay on top of...urgh)

-get at least 20 minutes of personal prayer each day

-keep up with my outlines, and

-not worry about guys i.e. focus on school and on being a happy, healthy me

if there is anything last semester taught me it is that consistent focus and dedication pay off and hard work, as painful as it is at times, is necessary. i apply that to academics, so why not other aspects of my life?

hmm. so that's that! i hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and an enjoyable New Year!

2010. here's to you. i hope you're a good one. =)

heartless.

2009-12-04T14:48:00.000-08:00

So comes that end-of-the-semester self-evaluation: am I who I want to be?

And sometimes. Who I want to be isn't who I should be. And isn't it silly that I would...even try to be...something I'm just...NOT?

I'm not sure if that makes any sense to you, so I'll just cut to the chase. As much as I don't want to care about the underpinnings about relationships and people in my life (so as to avoid getting hurt or too attached), I can't help but CARE.

Sometimes I throw caution to the wind. I tell myself I don't care. I make poor decisions. I say things I probably shouldn't say or act out in ways I probably shouldn't act out in. And really, the main catalyst for these actions is my state-of-mind. Telling myself I don't care.

It's easier to not care. Because when we don't care, when we're heartless, we can't get hurt.

And unfortunately, when I decide to not let past pains get the best of me. When I decide that I will truly allow myself to go through the healing process with prayer, patience, and the support of loved ones...someone or something comes along and hurts me.

Look. I accept pain as an opportunity to grow closer to Christ. I accept pain as a chance to grow and be humbled-to be a better person. After all, what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right? But, what makes accepting pain difficult is when you feel like you are, not the world's punching bag (even that's a bit too dramatic for me) but a punching bag/doormat for some people. People who think they can walk all over you or take advantage of you because you're "nice" and "so sweet" and "so giving."

My worst experiences, however, come in the form of dating relationships. I already have such a bad taste in my mouth from my parents' divorce. So when a guy comes along and has very little respect for who I am, it's hard not to be hurt by that.

The point of this post is to shout it out. I CARE.

I am a loving, caring, generous, sincere person.

I will not apologize for who I am.

And I will stop trying to be something I am not to avoid getting hurt.

But, I will also strive to protect the person I am. I will do this by surrounding myself with people who love me and care about me. I will stop making excuses for people.

I will find the balance between loving everyone well without investing too much in those who have not earned my trust or who have betrayed it.

I often forget that my Christian call to love well doesn't mean I should love myself the least.

finals season.

2009-12-02T14:32:00.001-08:00

i hate it.

i spend extra quality time with my books, note cards, and outlines. i drink way too much coffee or whatever coffee shop beverage i feel like consuming at the moment. lots of those moments.

i barely see any of my friends unless, of course, we're studying together. and, i am constantly reminded of how ENFP i am. always needing a change. little focus and patience for one topic. requiring constant breaks and opportunities to switch it up.

just a couple and a half more weeks. bah!

the case for Gaga: an introduction.

2009-11-29T14:24:00.000-08:00

when i'm stuck studying-inside some coffee shop or, heaven forbid, the law school library, there is only one thing that could adequately de-stress me: dancing.

really. i want nothing more than to be dancing. it helps me to escape. if just for a moment.

and i'm talking about the dancing from the scene in Center Stage when the main character escapes the monotony of her American Ballet classes for a random, downtown, unconventional dance studio-where it's not so much about technique but about having fun, letting loose, and just living in the dance. that's what i want.

no such studio exists in LBK. the closest i get is my apartment. lol.

i use this story as an introduction to the case for Gaga. Lady Gaga. whatever opinion you might have of her (and trust me, i get the opposing view...she's not the most holy, edifying, influence out there), there's something to be said for what she does advocate: expression in performing and visual arts. this is something close to my heart. and i'm going to write about it. gonna make my case. not sure how, exactly. but, it'll come together. this isn't some essay. just a few blurbs here and there. but, definitely something i want to write about.

until then, it's back to studying.

mediocre

2009-11-27T07:56:00.001-08:00

at the beginning of the semester i was so set on avoiding the in between. avoiding the mediocre. but, i've found myself there. and unlike times before, i am indifferent. complacent. i don't care that i'm here.

law school has been trying on my soul since the day i started. and it makes sense that, more than a year later, i'm okay with mediocre. why should i strive for anything more when all you think of me is what i've accomplished or haven't accomplished?

i think i hate law school.

i hate it because it belittles people. it sets people up against each other. and for what? the accolades. the grades. the perfect resume. the job.

i get it. it's a dog-eat-dog world. not everyone can be top of their class. not everyone can get "those" jobs. but, i do not want that. so stop thinking i do. stop thinking that stuff makes me who i am. stop thinking that my worth is dependent upon those fleeting things of the world.

ahh. and yet, you have a hold on me, world. you are able to make me feel so bitter about something that is supposed to invigorate my passion to help people. i curse you for that.

if anything, at this point in the semester. with exams in two weeks. i don't care. i'm focused. i'm focused on school. why? not because you make me feel like i need to be. but, i stay focused to show you that, even someone like me, who could care less about what you dedicate your life to can do just as well, if not better.

this is for you.

twenty-five.

2009-11-21T09:11:00.000-08:00

it's a good number, right? 25. it's a quarter. 1/4 of a dollar. a silver anniversary. 25. and today, i celebrate my 25th birthday.

have i really been blessed with 25 years of life? i cannot believe i've lived that long. haha. if anything, i realize how much i have more to learn in this life. God willing. sure. i try to think back through my childhood and the growing up i've done thus far. but, all i can think about is the now and the future. how will all my questions about life be answered?

slowly but surely God answers these questions of mine. though, as of late i've been distracted by trying to find my own answers. but, i'm reminded that the joy of life is in the journey. i need to TRUST. God has given me so much already. there's no reason to doubt that He will continue to provide. that He will continue to surprise me. that He will continue to reveal to me the fullness of life in all of its joy and pain.

as i reflect on the past year, i recognize that the Lord has blessed me with amazing friends, family, and experiences. i am beyond grateful. no words can express. so, as i celebrate the gift of life today, i will lift up prayers of thanksgiving...

looking forward to the year ahead.

♥M

days of birth.

2009-11-19T06:18:00.000-08:00

i love birthdays. and not necessarily my own. i get just as excited about my friends' birthdays. why? because, it's the one day that we can excessively show our appreciation for that one person. to say i love you. to say thanks for being a great friend. to celebrate the blessing of their life. granted, i believe it's important to tell the people in our lives that we care about them and appreciate them on a regular basis. but, we're human. so birthdays are a reminder to do so.

birthdays also remind me of the sanctity of life. that a woman chose life and because of her choice, i have my friend.

being the only child, i quickly learned to appreciate my friends. my friends are my family. so, when birthdays roll around, i am more than super excited to celebrate!

it's probably kind of cheesy and all, but meh. that's my take on it. and not gonna lie, november birthdays tend to be the best. ;) hehe.

ready for the weekend, which starts early for me. HOUSTON tomorrow to be with my mommy for my birthday! life is good. live it up.

♥M

same story. different message.

2009-11-17T06:18:00.000-08:00

i've been celebrating mass every sunday for pretty much all of my life. thank the Lord for my amazing parents who raised me catholic. and not cafeteria catholic but we are catholic-catholic.

so, of course, i've heard the liturgical rites over and over and over again all of my life. but, some days, like today, a part of what the priest is saying sticks with me. today, it was this:

look not on our sins but on the faith of Your Church.

it's part of the sign of peace. right before we shake hands and/or hug one another as a sign of Christ's peace. it stuck out to me today. i think, because it reminded me to focus on my faith and not my failings. to not get caught up in all the things i'm doing wrong but to remember where my strength and Grace come from. in supplication, we ask God to look at our faith-how we believe-in our hearts and in our actions. funny thing is, a prayer like that, i'm confident God won't ignore. of course he "look[s] not on our sins" but on our FAITH. that's all He wants. for us to take a leap of faith. for us to give Him a chance to work in our lives. for us to love Him.

and of course, like any love, it ain't easy. but it's worth it, right? and we have reminders like this to keep us going. alas, why prayer, sacraments, and reflection are all so important.

okay. back to obedience. back to studying.

love and a hug,

Mariez

coffee shop culture.

2009-11-16T22:08:00.001-08:00

whilst making study plans with a friend today, it hit me. most coffee shop names come in pairs. a pair of letters (J&B). a pair of syllables (starbucks, daybreak). a pair of words (sugarbrowns, common grounds). i mean. really? is this some sort of marketing ploy? and honestly, if the coffee shop is legit, then does a name really matter? ahh...whatever. just random thoughts. you shouldn't be surprised by this.

i love coffee shops. the more legit ones. and by legit, i mean awkward furniture, art pieces hanging on the walls, a spectacle of color. but, i'll resort to the cookie cutter coffee shop that is starbucks. i'm not a coffee shop snob. i mean, ya know...as long as i get good coffee and have a table near a source of electricity, i'm good.

LBK majorly fails in that there is no 24 hour coffee shop. i won't begin to speculate as to why. it's probably quite obvious. but, how i do wish there was such an option at the late hours of night.

coffee shop culture. i love it. i can sit around and get my work done but take the occasional moment to observe other people. to be motivated by those diligently studying. to wonder about where people are from or what they're doing. to be annoyed by the teeny-boppers who speak nonsense at high decibels. i need to study, people.

one of my favorite coffee shop moments was when i was on n.e.t.

on my day off in this tiny town, i walked to the town square. yes. it was a literal square of buildings. that town square that we all think of when we're reading American Literature. i found this quaint little coffee shop. it was relatively new-not the grunge that i prefer. but, it was peaceful and quiet. innocent. i spent a good chunk of my morning just reading my Bible and journaling. it's moments like that that stay with me. they're so simple yet so profound.

one of the most important lessons i learned during my travels with n.e.t. is that the people of this country-with the diverse backgrounds, different preferences for food and lifestyle-are all essentially the same. we all want and desire the same things: happiness. fullness of life. love. health. safety. relationships. experiences.

that's what coffee shop culture taught me. because, no matter where i was, i could find a random coffee shop. full of locals or quick passers-by. different state. different town. different time zone. different people. but, the same cup o' joe.

i love our country. i just wish we all had the time, money, and opportunity to really get to know each other. coffee shop style.

all's well that ends well.

2009-11-15T21:45:00.001-08:00

it's shakespeare. and it comes from a proverb meaning that problems don't matter so long as the outcome is good. and right now, life is good. thus, all's well that ends well...as i say so long to this weekend and hello to the week ahead.

the week should prove to be interesting. the stress of anything law review related is gone. all that stands between me and the winter break are final exams. time to really learn evidence, professional responsibility, business entities, and entertainment law. it's fun stuff, actually. when i think about it. when i really think about it, i don't dislike law school all that much.

the material is interesting. i enjoy most everything i learn. really.

what i dislike about law school is how the profession, generally, seems to make little room for creativity. (the closest to creativity comes in the form of mock trial and, i suppose, creative BS answers in class) the law touches everything we deal with: our personal effects, family relationships, finances, medical care, education, our basic constitutional rights. there's no escaping the law. so, if the law is so ubiquitous, why must the legal profession seem so narrow-minded?

of course, i may end up working in an atypical legal job. but, i aim for more. i'll surely find something. or rather, something is sure to find me-something that will ignite my fire. something that i will be super excited about waking up to in the morning.

perfect example of what i do not want: i've dreamt about my comment. yes. i've had dreams of having to write my comment. that unceasing race to the comment deadline. the crappy thing is that i wake only to realize that it is not a dream but my reality. well, i guess i should call these dreams "nightmares," because when i wake to my reality of the comment...i am slightly bummed.

anyway. i don't want to live the rest of my life like that. i want to be able to dream about my career and wake up thankful and excited about how my dream is my reality. yes. i realize life is not perfect and that nothing will come easy. i also realize that i will probably face some really difficult situations in my career. but, so long as i love what i'm doing, i think i'll be okay.

anyway. i'll get off my soap box about that. again. =)

speaking of soap boxes...i'm thinking about taking a new angle with my blog. i think i'm going to pick some current event (or issue or controversy, etc.) and give my two cents about it. i'm always writing about my silly dramatic life. my own mother tells me i need to chill out. so, i'm chilling out. hello blog world. i'm starting something new.

now...what that something is, i'm not sure. but, i will figure something out. perhaps my next blog will argue FOR raising a family in new york city. or maybe i'll write about why fashion is important. or i will write about my experience being a "band nerd," because there are misconceptions i'd like to dispel. okay. or affirm. lol. hmm...we'll see. i'm not sure if anyone even reads this. ahh...the beauty of blogging.

anyway, current point in case: life is good and i've got some intense studying ahead of me. yayee for being delusional and sleep-deprived!

p.s. flying home friday for my birthday! super excited! i'm going to be 25!!! whaaaat?! lol.

♥M

conflict of interest.

2009-11-11T20:27:00.000-08:00

missing the best friend.

and that's okay.

blessed.

2009-11-10T07:06:00.000-08:00

my positive outlook has been greatly tested as of late. why is it so much easier to focus on the negative than to appreciate the positive?

fortunately, God is faithful and so incredibly patient with me.

the lesson i learn over and over and over (plus an infinite "and over"s) is the lesson about TRUST. you'd think i'd get it by now-that trusting God is the thing to do. but this concept of trust inevitably brings about the virtue of PATIENCE. bah! a virtue of which i am lacking. ahh...then logic leads me to PRAYER. of course. i need to pray for patience, which will help me to trust.

easier said than done.

point of this post: at least i know what i need to do. and at least i can see the blessings in my life in spite of the struggles.

♥M

walls.

2009-11-08T22:38:00.001-08:00

i need them right now.

i need them to stay focused on school.

i need them to keep from hurting.

i need them to protect me from the BS in this world.

i'm usually not very bitter. i'm not a bitter person. but, i am a tired person.

i am tired of trying to do what's right. i am tired of trying to love well. i am tired of putting others before me only to get hurt.

i write over and over again about the constant struggle i have. i know, in my heart, that others come first. that my faith comes before others. but, in this world...it is me first, then others, and if i get to it...or if i feel like it, my faith.

what is it in me that God finds capable of being here? of doing this? of going through this?

maybe one day i'll know.

until then, i'm digging deep for what's left of that strength.

♥M

without the bitter the sweet ain't as sweet...

2009-11-05T20:17:00.000-08:00

pretty much sums up my day.

lots to be bummed about: fort hood shooting, saying goodbye to a friend's pet (she has to put him down tomorrow), jay-z cancelled (!!!), and more...

lots to be happy about: beautiful early morning, got to see the sunrise, incredible friends, a baylor bff in town for the weekend, i'm alive and breathing...

a day of back-and-forths.

i know we all resort to thinking it a lot more than we take action in showing it. but goodness. appreciate the people in your life. appreciate what you have. say it. show it. before it's too late...

ohh. and don't get me wrong. soon enough will i complain about all the work i have to do tomorrow and this weekend. but, in the midst of my complaining i will be sure to tell someone i care about that i do, indeed, care.

it's those little things. that count. ♥M

against the grain.

2009-11-04T09:48:00.000-08:00

too often we focus on acceptance of others. but, what about acceptance of ourselves? about who we are? about our purpose? about those areas in life where we shine brightly?

i'm slowly but surely coming to accept the terms of the person i am and the person i will come to be. this semester has forced me to focus on what truly makes me happy, where my heart is, and where i can do the best work for those around me and for myself.

it is no surprise that i have found myself going against the grain. i am not shooting for the "typical," the "norm," or the "predictable." again, i have found myself desiring the unconventional...

now, to accept that...a different story.

but, as i'm learning to accept it, i am learning to love myself.

maybe...

2009-11-02T07:15:00.000-08:00

running away from some things is perfectly all right and, in fact, perfectly necessary.

no one told me . . .

2009-10-27T22:12:00.000-07:00

just how crazy difficult growing up can be.

and i'm not talking about the obvious pains of finding a job and paying the bills. i'm talking about all that life and relationship and "who am i?" sort of stuff.

funny how when i was only 18, about to enter college, i thought that at the age of 24/25 i'd have it figured out. i'd KNOW me. i'd know what i want to do with my life. i'd know where i was heading.

i turn 25 next month. i'm in law school. and i STILL don't know where i'm going to be two years from now.

honestly. i love it. i love the unknown. well, but just because i love it doesn't mean i like it all the time. no. sometimes it is stressful and scary. intimidating and heartbreaking. but, i love it nonetheless.

why? because it challenges me to trust in God. because it challenges me to enjoy every moment of every given day. because it challenges me to tell those i love that i love them. because it challenges me to be open-minded about the course of life. it challenges me to hold tight to the fact that, no, i don't have all the answers...and THAT'S OKAY.

i know God has such an amazing, beautiful plan for me. He's already taken me on a wonderful adventure. yes, there have been difficult times. in fact, i am still healing from those times. but oh, how i am moved to tears when i think of how BEAUTIFUL my life has been. the PEOPLE i've met. the EXPERIENCES i've had. those tiny MOMENTS that fill my heart. when OTHERS have helped me when i least expected it. when my minor ACTIONS moved someone else.

i have been blessed beyond belief. and my heart aches. my heart is longing to give back. to serve others. i am ready. and as eager as i am, i have to remember that where i am is where God wants me to be. growing pains and all.

ahh. so much. so much going on around me. and yet, my heart is at peace. my soul is still.

Heavenly Father,

I reach out to You, in my weakness, in my frailty...I give you my heart and my soul. I trust You, Lord Jesus. I trust that so long as I cling to You, I will find true happiness and peace. You are my best friend, my savior, and my lover. Romancing my heart in every moment of each day You bless me with. I pray that You grant me rest this night, oh Lord. Be with my loved ones as they rest their heads. Comfort their hearts and their souls with the love and comfort only You can give.

Amen.

finally.

2009-10-25T22:02:00.000-07:00

finally. finally i am inspired and motivated...moved and urged to be a better me.

i don't know what it is, but all of a sudden, the holy spirit has totally caught my heart aflame. well, i know exactly what it is. community.

i went to Mass this morning. early morning. in fact, i woke up at 7:35 a.m. and had to be at church by 7:45 a.m. oops! needless to say, i had to throw on some clothes and run out the door. no worries. i still looked rather decent. it was especially important today, because i was reading the first reading (from Jeremiah!).

anyhow, i got to church, saw monsignor, met the other lector (Gloria) and was approached by another parishioner (who is filipino and when he introduced himself to me, i knew the first thing he wanted to know was, was i, in fact, filipino as well? ahh...so predictable. lol). point is, i realized how my involvement has finally helped me to feel more integrated within the parish. and these people are so genuine. i am always so blessed to be in the presence of wonderful, holy, Christ-loving people. reminds me a lot of St. Jerome's back in waco...but it's different, new...and yet, God's same spirit and love dwell there.

ohh, and furthermore, the filipino guy (I can't remember his name, but his wife's name is Rexie), got my information so that the president of some local filipino organization can contact me. so, i guess i'll probably be getting involved in that. crazy, huh?

haha. God is so good. He's got a sense of humor too. i've always struggled with my filipino roots...as far as trying to figure out how that plays into my values, priorities, perception of the world around me and myself. hmm...

moving on. today, i finally had an opportunity to serve the community. student organizations at the law school put on an annual halloween carnival for local children. i helped out with hlsa and...ahh...it was just so wonderful to be doing something for the community...and to be working with my colleagues in doing it. ohh. and not to mention that there was a kid dressed as Michael Jackson! the BEST costume ever! =) definitely made me happy. hahaha!

point of this whole blog is that i'm finally motivated and inspired to DO things. to stop daydreaming and somewhat complaining and to just DO things. i've got lots of volunteer activities to do this week (God just provides opportunities at the right times!) and i've time to be with friends that i don't otherwise get to spend time with. i mean...it's just a great week...great time for a new perspective.

i am so incredibly blessed. in good times and bad. i know it all leads to something bigger and better. something i cannot, in my humanness, comprehend. and i'm completely okay with that. because, with all the beauty, joy, and splendor that God has already revealed to me...i can't help but look forward to what lies ahead. =)

Love and a Hug,

Mariez

2009-10-23T17:52:00.000-07:00

the heart doesn't need a check list. love is just love.

when you know.

2009-10-22T22:22:00.001-07:00

when you know how beautiful you are . . . not because of looks or successes, but simply because of your Creator. ahh...it's the greatest feeling imaginable.

i can sit alone in my apartment late at night-without a significant other-without a roommate-without a best friend on the phone-without chatting with anyone on FB-and I can still feel so satisfied, whole, and safe. okay. maybe i'm cheating. just a little. i'm listening to Pandora. =) (Britt Nicole station, btw)

point is-when your sole happiness and wholeness is in Christ Jesus-nothing matters, really. no one matters. and i mean this in the sense that, i don't need to seek validation or reassurance from another person.

i am who i am. and i love who i am. because i was created in the imagine of God. and because i do my best each day to live fully in that.

some people get it. some people know this about me. they also know my faults. but they love me. and they are incredible blessings in my life. and i am not saying that they do not mean anything to me or that their words of encouragement aren't needed or appreciated.

what i mean is that when you are in love with Christ and constantly seeking Him out-loneliness is impossible. insecurity not a threat.

people come in and out of our lives. people disappoint us. people fail us. But, God is ever faithful.

growing pains.

2009-10-13T12:44:00.000-07:00

i was up for the growing. but not so much the pain.

"In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood." -Hebrews 12:4

ahh...but it goes beyond this. obedience. sacrifice. selflessness.

my prayer is that i may stay focused. focused on what matters most. what is best for me and what will count at the end of each day and at the end of this wild adventure otherwise known as law school.

ay dios mio. =)

me and jesus.

2009-10-04T10:53:00.001-07:00

i don't get it.

EVERYONE is always searching for peace and happiness.

but, what happens when you know the source of that peace and happiness and well, those around you, don't want to hear about it? ignore it? put on the back burner for another day?

i don't profess to be perfect. i don't profess to have everything figured out. nor do i profess to be at peace and happy 110% of the time. but goodness, when i am in that peace and i am happy, it is a feeling unlike any other. it's a feeling (and a notion) beyond that of when i get a good grade, hear compliments, go shopping, get a good tummy-aching laugh, etc. it is a peace and happiness that i feel and KNOW that no one and nothing on this world can take away from me.

those superficial sources of happiness can be destroyed. can be taken away. can be momentary.

but the happiness and peace we can receive from the Lord is EVERLASTING.

i've got my short-comings. i've got my issues. but man...i've also got Jesus. and at the end of the day, when all is said and done, if I lived that day striving to be the best person i can be, striving to give Glory to God in making good decisions and in loving fearlessly, then i can sleep peacefully. i can sleep knowing that i lived up to the dignified, beautiful, woman of God that i was created to be.

i don't know about you...but that is a priceless something i wouldn't trade for the world.

peace.

2009-10-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

i've wanted to be here for a long time. i've wanted to set my mind to something and to follow through with it. i'm not talking about school-related goals. i'm talking about goals for myself, for the very core of who i am.

it's only been one day. but already i feel so much closer to the Lord.

i managed to wake up at a decent time this morning to not only work out but to go to Daily Mass. ahh...it was a breath of fresh air. not only were the school children there (i love going to Mass with them because it reminds me of when i went to private school-AND it was especially fitting for today as the Gospel reading was about being meek and humble like a little child...running to Jesus like a little child) but today is the feast day of St. Therese of Lisieux! i totally starting thinking about my NET sisters...ahh...

and during Father's homily, i was reminded that yes...what matters most is doing small things with great love. being completely humble and obedient to the call to love others. and of course, the one thing i always struggle with: trust.

speaking of. i received another rejection letter yesterday. although the job search is frustrating, i'm at peace (for the most part) about it. one of my good friends reminded me that...perhaps this is just a sign that i do not belong there at that firm or this firm. etc. man...if only God would place a job offer in my lap. ; )

hmm....i shall continue searching, hoping, praying, and trusting.

oh man. i love when i'm in this place. this place of peace and contentment. when i feel this close to the Lord, i feel like i can accomplish anything. and i am able to look at myself in a whole new way. able to see the beauty i possess. gosh...it's so crazy how this world is a constant distraction. distracting me from the beautiful daughter of God that i am.

as much as i desperately want to stay in this place, the reality of it is that i will always face struggles. but, as i've learned over and over again, the key is to cling tightly to the Lord. to not give into the lies of the world. but to just hold tight to my Savior.

the in between.

2009-09-27T20:04:00.001-07:00

i'm tired of living in the in between. halfway. mediocre. so-so.

i know what it takes. i know who to lean on. i know what to do. and yet, i let myself fall into what is easy, comfortable, and safe.

i always struggle with my purpose. i have no doubt that i have a purpose. but when God reveals my purpose to me, i get scared. i run away. i doubt. i shut down because i think i am not capable.

i reflect on my year with n.e.t. so often, because as difficult as things were at times, i was fearless in the Lord. i trusted Him. i focused on Him. and in that, i was capable of so many things...capable of things i never thought i could do. i was able to love in ways i never thought i could love. i was able to share the Gospel in ways i never thought i could share. i was fearless.

but here i am. back in the "real world." and i hide out in fear, doubting myself. constantly. suppressing my gifts and talents. having intentions and not following through. being okay with mediocre. and why? because it's easy to find myself around people who are okay with mediocre.

i don't say this to belittle my friends or those around me. what i mean is that i am around people who have different priorities than me. my first priority (though, i've failed to live as such): my relationship with God. my second priority: as a result of my first priority, family and friends. my third priority: school.

i am around people who have those things in a different order. and in fact, may not even have my first priority on their list.

this is fine, as i well know that not everyone will believe what i believe.

but, what i'm getting at is that i want my life to reflect what i believe.

i no longer want to live in the between of what i believe: living it out when it's easy, but letting go of it when it's hard.

this will not be easy. it will be very hard. but, i will give it my all. because i can sit here at 10:13 p.m. on sunday night and i can lift a prayer up to God. i can humbly pray: "Lord. i love you. i want to live my life for you. i want to be a true disciple of your love and mercy. i place my life in your hands, Lord. i trust in You."

and He will listen. He knows my heart. and He will lead me in His Grace.

waiting.

2009-09-13T11:12:00.001-07:00

Mass this morning was amazing. i wish i had more time to go into details but i figured typing out a few things would suffice.

three things: congregation, bearing my crosses, waiting.

congregation. i am so blessed to have found christ the king catholic church here in the LBK. though i am not as active as i'd like to be, i ALWAYS feel so welcomed and loved there. from a sweet old lady's smile to various "you sing well!" comments and monsignor ben castille. ahh...i just love it. and this morning was one of those mornings when i felt so at home. a wave of peace came over me-belonging. moreso than i feel around my peers sometimes. i want so badly to be more involved in church...perhaps God will present me the opportunity to do so.

bearing my crosses. the Gospel reading this morning, from the Gospel of Mark, was exactly what i needed to hear. the key verse being: "Whoever wishes to follow me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and that of the gospel will save it." -Mark 8:34-35 i am bearing many crosses in my life but far too often do i see them as annoying, frustrating, unnecessary, and as things i should just run away from. this morning, however, i was reminded that these crosses are what God is using to make me a stronger person. my purpose will reveal itself through these crosses. even school-spending so much time working so hard seems all too trivial at times. but even school is a cross i bear. if i see studying and working hard as a cross to bear for the glory of God and for all that He has in store for me-my purpose-then perhaps it wouldn't be so painful. i just really needed to hear all of that...really...

waiting. okay. so i don't go to Mass hoping to see good-looking Catholic guys, but when it happens...it's quite inspiring. really. i have met many a decent guy and have had numerous crushes. but there is absolutely nothing like seeing a guy at Mass who actually pays attention, sings the hymns, takes time to pray afterward...who takes his faith SERIOUSLY. so by example of a young man at Mass today, in my prayer, and in the Mass as a whole, i realized: i deserve that. it's a been a long time since i've thought about how much i've compromised my faith for relationships: friendships and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. wow. i'm tired of it. and i should no longer do it. i deserve that guy at Mass who loves the Lord and can spend an hour, if not more, in complete worship and awe of his Heavenly Father. and for the first time, i realized that...well, maybe i should even wait out for that devout Catholic. though i have always been open-minded about who i date--i am sure that, at the least, i need to be with a good Christian guy--i realized today that i really need a strong Catholic guy. i can't bear to think about going to Mass every Sunday (and on weekdays even) without my serious boyfriend/potential husband. really. this is such a huge part of me, my faith, and if someone wants to be with me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he HAS to be a part of my faith life. and though people, and even myself, may be quick to think, "wow...that's a lot to ask for." well, yes. but am i not worth that? am i not worth the wait? is the man who will bring me closer to my Lord and Savior not worth the wait? OF COURSE HE IS. and i will wait.

simply. content.

2009-09-01T09:46:00.001-07:00

i dunno what it is. but sometimes i find myself in complete peace and contentment. those moments where simplicity and every little blessing of my life, those things often overlooked and taken for granted, become incredibly apparent to me...and....i'm just....happy.

perhaps it's the caffeine. but i sincerely believe it is in this place that i am meant to live.

the silver lining. the glass half full. the sunshine after the rain.

how could we ever deny ourselves of this knowledge and hope? regardless of your religious beliefs, you've experienced it. the human instinct to keep going.

point is. if you're feeling down and out. bummed. hurt. wronged. depressed. look beyond it. be thankful for the fact that you even have the eyesight to read this, or access to the Internet. or the ability to read and write.

it's september. and i wonder where july and august went. they flew by. life is too short to live in sorrows and pain. climb out of that mess and just be thankful. and from that gratitude, find your happiness.

matters of the heart.

2009-08-31T21:34:00.001-07:00

my faith teaches me to be patient. to love well. to trust.

the world teaches me to hurry up. to be selfish. to be suspicious.

finding the balance between these two is difficult. because although i would want nothing more than to live out my faith entirely, after my first year of law school, i have learned that some things i must do are contrary to what my faith professes.

this selfishness, for instance. in the course of my day, i must think solely about myself if i'm going to get anything done. okay. maybe not to the extent of sinfullness, but definitely not the selflessness like i learned on net. reconciling these two worlds has been the pebble in my shoe this past year.

to other matters-those of the heart. i have never been so confused and overwhelmed in all my life.

i want nothing more than to care for and love someone. but i can't. because he cannot do the same. because he has hurt me-has betrayed my trust. and yet, i have forgiven him and as a result, i can't help but to just love him.

i yearn for a relationship with my father, and though i remain strong, the very thought of communicating with him terrifies me. for if i confront the situation, i will surely face a wellspring of pain and sorrow. and yet, i know it is what i must do. it's just a matter of when.

i am slightly angry by the fact that, had i managed to have a relationship with my father these past two years, then perhaps i wouldn't be so inundated and overwhelmed by the relationships i face nowadays. because, it is true, my lack of a relationship with my father has negatively affected the way i perceive my friendships and relationships with other men in my life.

i never imagined i would be in this place, dealing with these situations.

as painful and frustrating as it is, i remain hopeful. always hopeful.

time will only tell. i can only hope and pray that i allow God to be in my life to help me make the right decisions and to provide me strength.

Sanchez-?????????

2009-08-02T10:58:00.000-07:00

Randomness.

I REALLY want a cool, exotic hyphenated last name.

Sanchez-Vasquez

Sanchez-Garza

Sanchez-Lee

etc. Ya get my drift?

Haha...I wonder if God will help me out on this one.

Because...for all you guys out there, do know that I fully intend on keeping my last name. I have to, especially if I end up practicing law before I get married. Hahaha.

Ohh...to daydream. =)

worth a tear or two.

2009-07-25T21:04:00.000-07:00

One of the saddest things I've realized lately...

is how, despite confidence in my beauty and dignity, one person can make me feel worthless.

I can't wait until I'm past this.

♥ M

my favorite.

2009-07-19T19:31:00.000-07:00

coffee shop.

good music.

being reminded that the possibilities are endless and that there's a whole world out there waiting to be explored. ahh. may i never forget this.

growing up. it's happening.

2009-07-14T23:56:00.000-07:00

I'm still up. It's 2 a.m. and I've work at 8:30 a.m. You're right. It could be worse.

...sometimes growing up happens when we least expect it. Other times, which is where I'm at now, it's so blatantly obvious.

My second year of law school has already brought on a new wave of pressures, expectations, and stresses (and it hasn't OFFICIALLY started yet!). Don't get my wrong. It's partly exciting. It's exciting to see how my hard work has paid off. It's exciting to see the vast opportunities out there to practice law. Granted, it might not be as exciting being REJECTED from all of those "opportunities." (I remain hopeful yet realistic. It's in God's hands anyway) Nonetheless, it's happening. I am growing up. 2L year is making me grow up.

It's like medicine. It tastes really bad but boy is it necessary.

It should be an interesting year. No doubt.

words to live by.

2009-07-12T17:26:00.001-07:00

Just a few scripture verses that always strike a chord with me. I wanted to document them somewhere, so I'm posting them here. And I'm going to throw in a few bits of commentary. =) Heh.

"Strive for peace with everyone, and for that holiness without which no one will see the Lord." Hebrews 12:14

-I really like this verse because it conveys exactly what I hope to do each day. Striving for peace with those in my life as a testament to my relationship with the Lord. Being the only child, peace in my relationships was always a priority for me. After NET, however, I learned how we are all CALLED to strive for peace with people in our life. I always did it out of habit...not as a Christian lifestyle. But now I know. True love is desiring peace in a relationship-honesty, forgiveness, accountability-all of these things (and more) bring us closer to one another and closer to God.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

-I've always taken a liking to this verse. It's pretty self-explanatory but oh boy is it difficult to really believe it and to trust in God's promise here. Fortunately, God has recently reminded me of this truth. =)

"Kindness and truth shall meet; justice and peace shall kiss. Truth shall spring out of the earth, and justice shall look down from heaven." Psalm 85:10

-I love this verse because there's a lot of romanticism here....applied to some really intense principles. Thinking of kindness, truth, justice, etc....in this romantic, loved-filled way is an interesting juxtaposition. But I love it.

joy!

2009-07-12T11:32:00.000-07:00

In less than 24 hours I have been intensely reminded of two facets of life:

1. God grants us the desires of our hearts.

2. If you work hard enough to attain a goal, you can reach it.

Incorporating these two ideas in my life has been the most difficult thing for me this past year. I was torn between trusting in God's Will for me and pouring enough of myself (gifts and talents given to me by God) into the tasks at hand.

Really. How is that I went from 24/7 ministry where I was to put myself LAST to 24/7 law school lifestyle where I was to put myself FIRST?

I don't believe that God wants us to forget about our personal needs and desires and goals. In fact, it is in striving to better ourselves that we can be more powerful conduits of God's love. But realizing this truth and living it out in a world that promotes an un-loving self-focus is difficult.

I've learned, though, the hard way. I've learned to take care of myself first. To take care of myself by never losing sight of my Jesus. To invest in my relationship with the Lord, to follow through with my responsibilities, to do my best, and the love others in the process (this is another issue on its own, however).

I've learned that I cannot be of help or service to anyone if I am not my best self.

Funny how carrying my cross essentially requires me to focus on myself...on my well-being. Because honestly, at the end of the day, I am happy to put others first. But at this point in my life, God is asking me to focus on me. To focus on Him and I. To focus on the beautiful plan He has for me.

So that is my goal for this upcoming 2L year of mine: Just me and my Jesus. I will no longer let others distract me from my goals (academic, spiritual, physical, etc.) but I will not let my goals keep me from loving others. This is a difficult balance I can only achieve with God's grace.

Apologies for deviating from those two facets of life...lol. But really, God has brought me here (where my heart has desired) and has shown me the value of hard work and determination. So cheers to this day. This moment. This joy! =)

a heart that loves fearlessly should break just the same.

2009-04-23T17:09:00.000-07:00

you cannot change people.

you cannot bring into existence what does not exist.

you cannot change a mind or unbreak a heart.

you can only continue to live.

to live in the peace of God's Grace. His will and His love.

striving to trust.

to trust.

it's not meant to be easy.

a heart that loves fearlessly should break just the same.

confident in that love that brought it to this place.

and not that love of which it saw glimpses, but love that is truth.

truth. for true love rejoices with the truth. this we should know.

but what to do

when my truth

is love

for you?

tired.

2009-04-18T11:57:00.000-07:00

I'm getting tired of trying to do what's right...what's best. And coming up hurt and empty-handed.

...but I'll keep going...

-mariez

pride and prejudice.

2009-04-14T07:49:00.000-07:00

i'm not a fan of pride. particularly my own.

it comes about in spurts, especially in those moments when i just need a boost of self-esteem. but that doesn't mean i like it...or truly take comfort in it. because after the fact, i see how it is the most un-loving thing to venture into. it requires putting myself before someone else. it requires taking ownership of things that were given to me by God. things i do not deserve.

but why is pride easy? because it's safe. because it provides a blanket of self-assurance for all to see. because it diverts our attention from our insecurities. because it doesn't require being vulnerable to someone or something else. alas, pride leaves us alone, essentially. for it is only in putting others first that we experience the joy of friendship, companionship, unconditional love. ohh...all the sweet things of this life.

more importantly. refraining from pride brings us closer to God. for it takes a humble spirit to bow down and ask for forgiveness. yet in that humility, God gives us the grace to continue on with our dignity. to live knowing we are undeserving yet loved so as to experience the beauty of this life.

a good good friday.

2009-04-10T20:50:00.000-07:00

the last couple of days have been really weird...

not weird in that they've been huge anomalies with the unexpected occurring. rather, i think it's the fact that my soul understands the significance of this time of the liturgical year. the easter triduum: holy thursday, good friday, easter sunday.

i went to mass yesterday and this evening. it was some much needed time in prayer and reflection. what made it extra special is that i was able to celebrate with some of my fellow law students. fellowship makes everything better. hehe. =)

yesterday was special in that i was able to reflect upon the gift of Jesus in the Eucharist. celebrating the last supper when Jesus told his disciples to "do this in remembrance of me." and the Catholic Church, to this day, does exactly so every sunday. the Eucharist is the pinnacle of the Catholic faith. when we celebrate the promise of everlasting life. when we celebrate that very moment where Jesus, in some of his last moments, wanted us to remember that He is always with us-continually united with Him in the Eucharist. the disciples, as they sat at table during the last supper, knew something was happening. they knew things were going to change. they knew they were going to face hardships, pain, sorry, shame, etc. but there they were, with their master, adoring Him as He urged them to remember Him. 2000+ years later, we live that moment in the liturgy of the Eucharist.

this evening was the liturgy of the Lord's passion: his prayer time in gethsemane, Judas' betrayal, Peter's denial, the people's fighting words, Jesus' graceful humility in the moments leading up to His death. wow. i mean...i get upset when someone looks at me the wrong way. but Jesus faced so much pain at once. the pain of accepting the cup given to Him by His Father. the pain of his closest friends falling asleep when he urged them to pray. the pain of a friend's betrayal. the pain of a friend's denial. the pain of seeing all his friends run away in fear. the pain of the people, who once revered Him and turned to Him for help, now against Him...eager to crucify Him. the pain of seeing His mother's helplessness. the pain of knowing that even with His death...His loving sacrifice, the people for whom He died...might still never accept the truth of His message.

on good friday we venerate the cross by going up to a large crucifix, genuflecting and kissing Jesus upon it. it is one of the most humbling experiences. not only as i kiss Jesus upon the cross but as i witness my brothers and sisters in christ do the same. in those moments, i am reminded of my unworthiness. and yet, Jesus with a love that I will never, in my humanness, be able to fully comprehend, died for me. this is one thought; one reflection--that goes a long way.

not gonna lie. it's easy to lose sight of this great love the Lord has for me. but when i know it and cling to it, i am most happy. all is right in the world. and not because i keep it to myself, but because it becomes that much easier, with the grace of God, to love those around me, to appreciate the small things in life, to cling to hope, to embrace suffering.

the gift of faith is a precious gift. and it saddens me that people take it for granted and are satisfied with mediocrity. for once you taste the sweetness of the Lord's truth, you can no longer savor the sour of satan's lies. but that is the battle we, as christians, face daily. no. no one is perfect. yes. i fall prey to sin. but at the end of the day, i know who to turn to to pick me up...and i cling to Him even more.

so as we prepare for the celebration of His resurrection, i continue to pray for the humility and grace to open my heart to the Lord and His Will.

and i'll throw a few prayers in there for finals as well. =)

g'night all.

love love,

mariez

keep it simple.

2009-04-09T10:23:00.001-07:00

i think it'd be content with sitting around all day, listening to music, observing people. this, people, is why i belong in nyc.

when looking for peace, look to the Prince of peace.

2009-04-09T08:14:00.001-07:00

it's really difficult for me to not be at peace. with God. with myself. with my friends. with my decisions. etc. etc.

but what prevents me from being at peace is...perhaps not accepting what's best for me. this is where prayer comes in. i've been going nuts lately over silly things-silly things that i know are where they should be. unfortunately, it's been really difficult for me to get up early this week...so i've not been able to go to church to spend time in prayer and adoration.

i've been freaking out. but i get it. i need to turn to God. i need to offer up my worries and concerns to the Lord. i need to trust.

ahh....always easier said than done. mass this evening--the liturgy of the Lord's supper. looking very forward to it.

hope all is well out there in the blogging world.

-heart-

mariez

stress

2009-04-06T18:56:00.000-07:00

becomes your best friend in law school. and i love how i add to it in ways completely unnecessary. ugh.

tidbits.

2009-04-05T23:08:00.000-07:00

'Bout to go to bed. But before I do...

-my tummy aches. i think i had too much coffee today. that or too many peanut m&ms. oops. lol.

-if shawn mcdonald can write and sing a song like "beautiful" then i have no doubt in my mind that there is a guy out there who just gets me-who knows what makes me happy (Jesus) and is just as happy for the same reason.

-i found it. the words that describe exactly what i've been trying to convey to those around me. thanks to the catechism of the catholic church:

the integrity of the person.

"the chaste person maintains the integrity of the powers of life and love placed in him. this integrity ensures the unity of the person; it is opposed to any behavior that would impair it. it tolerates neither double life nor duplicity in speech." CCC 2338

-it's holy week. i'm looking forward to really diving deep into reflection of the life and death of Christ. this is the most important week for us Christians. live out loud.

-it's going to be a crazy-busy week, but i'm ready for it.

-my grandma is traveling to the philippines tomorrow for my cousin's law school graduation. prayers for her safe travels, please.

-apothia-velvet rope. the best fragrance/perfume. ever.

-video-chat is quite possibly the greatest new thing i've learned how to do on my mac. love love love it.

-g'night. =)

-heart-

mariez.

guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.

2009-04-03T12:26:00.000-07:00

proverbs 4:23

Last year, as I spent 9 months traveling the country with 10 other devout Catholics, ministering to young people of all sorts, I learned how to love well. I learned the joy of love. Loving Jesus, Others, Yourself.

But that divine love that I experienced is challenged in the world. Constantly. Unconditional love, the love that we are called to live, can be difficult at times. It requires loving when we least feel like it. It requires allowing the spiritual to rule over the flesh. It requires discipline and self-knowledge. It's not easy.

I have learned that I love well, but I lose sight of loving myself in the process. I give a lot. This isn't a problem...at least, not when it is done in the capacity of a Christ-centered relationship.

In the sacrament of marriage, two people are exemplifying the love that God has for His people and essentially for His Church. As Christ poured Himself out in sacrifice upon the cross, so must the husband pour himself out for his wife. And as the Church reveres, honors, and praises her redeemer, her lover...so must a wife do for her husband. And in both situations, it is the Holy Spirit that moves one entity to serve the other. Such love abounds that no threat, no inequality, no fear remain. True love casts out all fear.

I live for the day that God, if He so chooses, will reveal more of Himself to me in a Christ-centered relationship...where I can, in my human-ness, more fully experience the love of God.

Until then, I have learned the lesson that in order to love our neighbors as ourselves, we must first learn to love ourselves. Properly. The way we deserve to be loved....as children of God. As persons created in the image of God. With self-respect and discipline. I cannot let the convenience or comfort of a relationship distract me from what is real, what is true. I think it easy for people to fall into this dangerous trap....

..and in the midst of such falsities...I must hold close to the truth: that the love God wants for me is a love worth waiting for.

P.S. Lately many of my good girlfriends have had their hearts broken. I'm talking about the men in their lives failing to appreciate, love, and honor them. I'm talking about these men cheating on/leading them on to believe that they were in a committed relationship, ready to spend the rest of their lives with these friends of mine (I can also include my mom in this list).

WHY??? Why is that so many beautiful, successful, hard-working, funny, loving, caring, giving women find themselves almost empty-handed in relationships? Why can't guys appreciate what they have when they have it?

There are, I'm sure, numerous theories to this age-old enigma.

My theory/belief turns on where a man finds his strength. His looks? His accomplishments? His humor? His social skills? His faith in God?

I wish I could say that my father is a good example of the kind of man I want to be with, but even my own father is struggling to find the source of true, reliable strength in his life.

The strongest men I've encountered in my life are those that depend and trust in God. They humble themselves constantly...knowing full well that they are nothing without the Lord. But in their nothingness, they find strength to accept that they don't always have to know the answers. That they don't always have to fix things.

In their humility and love for the Lord, these men also see the beautiful treasures that are the women in their life. Their grandmothers, mother, sisters, girlfriend. They love, honor, and adore them. They treat them with dignity and respect. Ohh...what a beautiful sight it is to witness a man who truly cares and loves the women in his life. It goes back to what I said about Jesus and the Church. The mutual giving-the unconditional love.

I've never KNOWN my dignity and worth the way I came to know it last year on NET. My brothers looked at me...not as a piece of meat or someone to "get with," but as their sister in Christ. They cared for my dignity and well-being. They looked at me knowing full well that I am created in the image of Christ and that because of that I deserved their love and attention. I didn't have to dress cute or act a certain way. I was just me. I cannot begin to describe what it's like to be around a group of men who look at women with respect and who desire to remind us, to TELL us that we DESERVE that respect. That we are loved and that we are beautiful. These men, my brothers, are truly characteristic of Christ and of what Christ wants for me to have in this life.

Look, I realize I talk about this stuff a lot...but I have to. There are too many instances in my life at present that exemplify society's misconception of true love. It's frustrating. And I fully accept the fact that I can only witness such love in snippets of my life....well, significant snippets: from my mother, my friends, my relationship with Christ, praise and worship, sunshine, Mass, the Eucharist, Reconciliation...the list goes on.

I accept that not everyone will agree and that I may be fighting this fight in vain. But I'll fight it 'til the day I die...I've seen too many people hurt from all of this to NOT talk about it...

lessons learned.

2009-03-25T22:48:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how much it takes to be reminded of your own convictions, beliefs and standards.

So easily do we get swept into the illusions of the world. We lose touch with the best of who we are. We let go of that innermost happiness. That connection that transcends the human body. One that can be shared only with Christ and those who desire to know Him.

I have learned, again, that Christ loves me perfectly.

In His perfect love I see my self-worth.

By His perfect love I am inspired to love others the same.

These aren't just feel-good feelings. True love shines most in those wretched, unpleasant moments when we are at a crossroads---to choose love or to not choose love. To die to ourselves or to live only for ourselves.

I'm not waiting for true, unconditional love. I already have that. And no one can take it away.

curveball.

2009-03-17T22:26:00.000-07:00

Just when you think you're on the right track and things are making sense, something throws you off.

What's worse?

Not knowing if it's good or bad.

peace & love.

2009-01-22T18:52:00.000-08:00

The Lord has blessed me with so much comfort, peace and love lately.

He has also given me so much understanding about my heart's desires.

I so desperately yearn for the day I find love. Yes, the love of a relationship that leads to marriage. Though I am open to whatever vocation the Lord calls me to, I am quite sure that He is preparing my heart for marriage.

It's beautiful, really.

I used to get upset because I wasn't in a relationship or because no one seemed interested. But the Lord has brought me back to Him; He has captured my heart once again. When I daydream and wonder about the future, I am giddy in love. I am in love with the Lord. He has shown me true, unconditional, undeniable love in His sacrifice of the cross and in His gift of the Eucharist.

My heart yearns for so much...and in this world it is so easy to misconstrue that yearning for being "empty" or needing this or that. But I finally realize that I yearn to know more of the Lord....ahh...in all the beautiful things and people of the world...the Lord is THERE and He is so eager to reveal more of Himself to me.

I just have to be patient.

Where I am now is where I'm supposed to be. He's preparing my heart. He's preparing my mind. He's preparing my soul.

Because really...in prayer, many times, I start thinking, "Jesus....I want so badly to be with you in heaven...so badly....can I just leave this earth and be with you now?"

And He replies...in His loving and understanding way: "My beautiful daughter, I love you and my gift to you is your life and all that I have prepared for you. You have a purpose. A great purpose that ONLY you can fulfill. Patience."

And then I realize..."Wow. You love me lots....more than I'll ever know..."

I'm in love.

-Marianne

bittersweet.

2009-01-19T18:30:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the Presidential Inauguration of the 44th President of the United States of America: Barack Obama. He will be the first African-American President of this country.

While I am incredibly proud of the great leaps and bounds this country has taken to elect a minority President, I am broken-hearted about some of the things Obama and his administration hope to put into effect. Namely, FOCA--the Freedom of "Choice" Act, which if passed will remove all prior legislation regulating abortions. Partial-birth abortion bans, parental consent for minors and similar legislation will go down the drain with FOCA.

My heart breaks for the disregard of the sanctity of human life.

Because of the rights the Constitution provides and the way the Supreme Court has interpreted them, I know abortions will never be illegal. I'm not about fighting that fight anymore. However, I am ALL about fighting the downward spiral of morals and principles in this country.

Look beyond the arguments, "I have a right to this..." and "I have a right to that...." Instead of EXPANDING rights how about keeping the ones you already have???

When a doctor doesn't fully disclose the dangers of abortion or even encourages a woman to get one when she would survive the pregnancy, who's losing their rights there? What about the right to full disclosure of medical information? What about the right to be well-informed about the process of abortion? What about the right to know of other alternatives? The specifics of the adoption process?

Did it ever occur to anyone that doctors are making millions of dollars from performing abortions? And did it ever occur to anyone that perhaps a doctor would find it fairly easy to encourage and make glamorous and simple the idea of having an abortion? Are women made aware of the way an abortion can physically and emotionally hurt them? Are women aware of the rights the father has?

Who is really winning here?

Hasn't this country ALREADY experienced the dangers of convenience? Of immediate gratification? Of quick fixes? Drugs. Alcohol. Suicide. Fast Food.

Most anyone who has experienced an incredibly difficult event in their life knows that quick fixes never amount to healing, happiness and peace. Turning to those seemingly "easy" solutions has always led to another dark and windy path...one even less desirable than the one before.

Being Christian, I know that the only way I pull out of dark times is with the hope and grace the Lord provides me. Regardless if one believes in God or not, everyone is looking for the same thing. As a human race we have that one commonalty. We are all looking for peace. For those moments when we can truly think about all aspects of our life and feel in our hearts, peace. The peace of knowing that we did the best we could and that we could live with our decisions, our words, our actions, our choices.

That we could live with the person we are if we were to die tomorrow.

So as Obama and his administration prepare to lead this country for the next four years my hope and my prayer is that they will truly look into their hearts and do what's best for this country. I truly believe this country needs a dose of tough love. Some of the best decisions are the hardest ones to make. I hope Obama knows that.

Tomorrow will be a bittersweet day for me.

Why must this forward-moving be followed by potential self-destruction?

God Bless America. I couldn't mean it any more than I do now.

Love and a Hug,

Marianne

life as i know it.

2009-01-19T13:19:00.000-08:00

Hey all. Well...here I am about to head into the second full week of this semester. Things have already reached the high-point of stress and overwork.

A typical day for me is as follows:

5:30-wake up, shower, try to eat a little something for breakfast, head out by 6:40

6:55-Daily Mass (my favorite part of the day, for sure)

7:30-head to school

7:45-quickly review property notes

8:00-property

8:50-head to my library carrel to read and/or review Crim Law or Con Law or anything else

10-Crim Law

11-Legal Practice

11:50-quickly scarf down my lunch and/or read/review for Con Law

1-Con Law

1:50-"freedom"

2-depending on how I feel that day I either get out of the law school ASAP and study at home or at Starbucks OR I stay in the library and make myself read for a few hours

Needless to say, this semester feels much more like law school than last semester. Last semester most everyone was focused on the excitement of something new: new school, new town, new profs, new friends, new everything. This time around it's more like second nature. Don't get me wrong. I still enjoy it but now that I know how the process works, I understand how much hard work is required of me. And I'm exhausted because of it.

Fortunately, something I know this time around is how seriously important my relationship with Christ is throughout this challenge.

Sure, I went to Mass last semester and got a few days of personal prayer in, but it was nothing like this semester has been so far. Jesus in the Eucharist and my daily celebration of the Mass has made a WORLD of difference.

I can't say that I'm always at peace during the school day. It's hard to be when I'm thrown a billion things to do and my stomach is in knots from fear of being called on to recite. But when I begin my day with Mass, my heart and soul are able to rest in the satisfying peace of Christ. Those 30 minutes of Mass help me to focus on what's important, to offer my day up to God and to pray for the strength to trust Him in all things.

I am truly in love with my Lord and Savior. I am sad to leave church at Mass's end and throughout the day I look forward to the following morning just to receive true love in the Eucharist. What's more is that my mother usually attends Daily Mass, so it's as if I'm closer to my mom by going.

By no means am I suggesting that all things are perfect. I've had my share of rough days thus far. But I have no doubt that this extremely different-feeling semester is due to my desire to put God first each and every day. Not to mention that He has blessed me with wonderful law school friends who respect me, love me and encourage me to be a strong Christian.

Oh. And I found a Catholic bookstore. ; ) So all is right in my little Lubbock world! Haha.

Well, I suppose that's it for now. Time to continue reading...

Love and a Hug,

Marianne

Perfect love drives out fear.

2009-01-07T13:03:00.000-08:00

The title to this blog is from today's reading from the first book of John. Wonderful.

I'm back in Lubbock for my second semester of law school! Today went really well...this law school thing is not so intimidating the second time around.

My professors are wonderful and I'm looking forward to the subject matter: Property (because it's one of those subjects that we all "know" about but only some of us venture into the legal technicalities of it), Criminal Law (interesting because we all know something about it but it should be a nice contrast to the civil law-centered courses of last semester), Legal Practice (I've the same prof for this class, which is essentially part II of first semester LP--I'm just excited to learn other legal forms of writing. We'll be writing briefs and practicing oral arguments), Constitutional Law (I've that class tomorrow, so I don't have an opinion of it right now, though I did take two semesters in undergrad....I'm excited to see how they compare and contrast in depth and difficulty).

Life is really great right now...so far I've been following through with my New Years' Resolutions...except for one: calling people back within 24 hours. I'm beginning to realize this is not the easiest thing to do when I'm busy and when I know others are busy (esp. this week with NET Alumni Week in MN). Hmm....I'll have to decide what to do about that resolution. Everything else is going well.

I am absolutely loving Mass early in the morning. It's the best way to start my day off. I wish it didn't mean that I have to get to school about 15 minutes before my first class. That doesn't give me much time to review my notes, but I'm thinking it might be okay. God has helped me through MANY classes (big example: passing Contracts! YES!), so I'm thinking He'll help me out with retaining Property info. Hehe. =)

Life is good, for sure. I've no complaints...but this being only the first day back, I know I have to keep my focus. So of course, I must be on my way now. Lots of reading to do.

Love and a Hug,

Mariez

una cosa mas.

2009-01-01T18:01:00.001-08:00

I'm beginning to think that is truly within our human nature to "care" about what others think of us.

I find myself being sucked into that train of thought at times.

But what a relief, to be able to snap into reality--to remember that I was created in the image of God. I am His creation, His daughter. His perfect love for me is a blatant reminder of my beauty.

So in those small moments where I question what others think of me (my looks, my personality, my "worth"), the Holy Spirit quickly reminds me that I am not to be ashamed. That I am to fully embrace the person that I am--flaws and all. But more importantly--beauty and worth and purpose.

The same goes for you...in case you didn't know. =)

Love and a Hug,
Mariez

R&R: Revelation and Resolve

2009-01-01T16:58:00.000-08:00

2009! It's the New Year! =) If this year is anything like this day...it's gonna be a good one.

New Years for me, as usual, was pretty low key. I dunno why it is but I enjoy staying home for New Years. I like reflecting on the year past and the best way for me to do it is with family. Not to mention that all the Christmas celebrations take a toll on me and I'm quite pooped by the time New Years rolls around.

My mom and I went to Mass first thing this morning. The homily was exactly what I needed. Also, we went to a different church than usual. It's much smaller and all of the songs were sung a cappella.

There was a certain peace within that church. A peace that I have not felt in a long time.

In his homily, the priest spoke of resolutions and how we should not shy away from them in fear of not following through. He then went on to explain the difference between resolutions and wishes.

Resolving to do something is to create a road map of things to do to reach a goal. Whereas to wish is to desire something without putting in the action to achieve it.

Then of course, he mentioned the need to pray for God's Grace to put our faith into action. To resolve to pencil into our calendars not only doctor's appointments and vacation time but Reconciliation and quiet prayer time alone in the church.

It being the Solemnity of Mary, the priest also reminded us of Mary's great example of desiring and following the will of God.

Such simple concepts that I've heard of and known of for a while. But being reminded of them, especially on this first day of the year, was quite necessary. I was reminded of my nothingness--how I need to seek the Lord each day.

I've never feared resolutions. But still, I've never made them.

So for 2009, I resolve to:
-Go to Daily Mass at least twice a week, if not more.
-Spend at least 10 minutes in prayer each day
-Write a letter to a close friend at least once a week
-Pray for humility and courage to ask for help
-Return phone calls within 24 hours

...I think that's it for now. I can't bite off more than I can chew. =)

Ohh...and another tidbit: My mom had a New Years Day party for her friends. As they were arriving I started up conversations. In a weird out-of-body-like experience, I felt how much I've grown. I just felt...older...mature....

I think the Lord revealed to me in that moment how far I've come from exactly a year ago. As I've shared before, it's been a struggle. But finally, I see the beauty in it all.

I suppose this is a good thing...seeing as how I've felt immature for quite a while. Haha. Though, I'm still a kid at heart. ; )

Anyhow...I hope and pray everyone had a safe and joyful New Year!

Perhaps I should also resolve to update my blog at least once a week. Hehe.

Love and a Hug,
Mariez

2008: Heaven and Hell

2008-12-27T16:20:00.000-08:00

Hello blog world. It's been a while. A very long while.

Naturally, I've failed to blog the past few months because of school. My first semester of law school was such a whirlwind. It wasn't even the academics that tripped me up. I loved my classes, my professors, and all of the stuff I was learning. The most difficult part of this past semester was...life.

Law school did not become my life. It couldn't, because there are so many other things that are more important to me...

I don't even know where to begin.

For me, the year 2008 was a taste of heaven and hell.

I spent the first 5 months ministering with 10 amazing people, whom I miss dearly. It was within those first 5 months that I had been the closest to God in all my life; it was a taste of heaven. My prayer life was strong. I was not afraid to share the Gospel with others. I was alive with the Holy Spirit...ready and willing to be God's instrument of peace and love. Never in my life had I been so at peace and had experienced such joy.

The difficult summer months that followed were the beginning of a tortuous journey that has led me to where I am now: in great pain, struggling to open my heart to the Lord's mercy and healing; holding on to the hope I've become all too familiar with.

My first semester of law school was the most trying time of my life. Not because of the many hours I spent studying or because of the Socratic method. No. It was the most difficult time of my life because so many things and people, including myself, separated me from God. Hell.

I've never mentioned this on my blog or "publicly" this way, because I didn't feel it necessary. But because it has become such a part of me, there's no escaping it. My parents got divorced in May.

I won't go into details. The purpose of disclosing this information is to help me explain my struggles.

Though I dealt with my parents' separation and ultimate divorce while I was on the road with NET, I found so much peace and comfort in the Lord. He took care of me in my prayer time, through my teammates and through all the people I met along the way. I knew He wanted me to be surrounded by wonderful, Holy people while I was going through this, so being away from home wasn't so burdensome. Also, His Grace gave me the strength to be a comfort to my mother, who was broken and in need of much healing.

This past semester, it's as if my mother and I switched places.

I was the one struggling, broken and in need of healing. My mother, with the support of her friends (that she met at church), was the tear-less one on the phone while I cried the pain away.

The fact is that at the moment I do not have a relationship with my father. I've not seen or spoken to him in over a year. I believe, in my heart of hearts, that I forgive him. But I am not ready to see him or speak to him. Fortunately, I know that one day such a relationship will be a reality. The Lord will lead me there when I'm ready.

Needless to say, I am struggling with the lack of a "Father" figure in my life. And I pray hard about this...because my faith tells me that my true Father, the Father that will NEVER leave me is my Heavenly Father. But I'm human...and that lack of a manifestation of a Father in my life is hard to take at times. I've tried to supplant "Father" the way I think many girls in my position do: by dating someone I shouldn't be with. Fortunately, God gave me the strength to get out of that situation. Of course, it didn't come without its consequences. I am in the process of healing and moving on from that. I am also even more determined to let God be my one and only solace. I am also convinced that I am far from ready to be in a serious relationship. So for those of you wondering, dating is beyond the forefront of my thoughts and priorities.

Aside from dealing with my parents' divorce, another struggle from this past semester was the lack of fellowship in my life. I went from being around 10 people who constantly desired growth in faith to being in a West Texas town where I had to actively find people who shared even basic Christian beliefs with me.

This is not to knock the people I've been blessed to know at Tech. They're genuinely good people who want to do good things in the world. But come on....we're law school kids. We're generally Type-As who are good at most things we try. Smart, strong-minded people. While accepting of one another, we're also quite hard-headed. And it's fact: how could I possibly expect law school to be the same as NET??? NET= 100+ young Catholic charismatics who give up 9 months to minister to young people Law School= 200+ young and not so young adults of all kinds of faiths, who've given up 3 years to study law in hopes of being an attorney. Not to mention that the social scene in law school is different. We're around each other 24/7 discussing LAW--rarely anything else.

Perhaps overconfident, I didn't think adjusting to such a contrasting environment would be a big deal to me. But lo and behold, it certainly was. I found myself as the constant minority. In my beliefs, in my attitude, in my priorities. It was okay at first. I had been longing for the social life that law school offered me. It was nice to finally be able to go out to Happy Hour or for a couple of drinks on a Friday night. But many times I caught myself saying things that I would question in hindsight. It's not that I was even saying bad things...but what I said or didn't say was condoning the bad things I was hearing.

Soon enough the big question hit me: Was I still the person I want to be and was I taking the steps necessary to BECOME the person I want to be???

No.

My prayer life was lacking. It was a huge accomplishment for me to get 10 minutes of prayer in at any point in the week. I couldn't find a church community that made me feel at home. And as I've said, my fellowship was lacking. There was no one around to hold me accountable for my prayer life or for how I was spending my time. No one to ask me what God was doing in my life.

While I struggled spiritually, the task of law school, at many times, seemed pointless. I thought it silly for me to be so serious about school when I had experienced 9 months of the things that matter most. How could my time in law school possibly be helping me to better the world? I felt I was living my true purpose while I was on the road with NET and not while I was spending countless hours studying in my carrel.

Of course, this constant internal struggle took a toll on my studies. Towards the end I was burnt out. Before my first final, I was also really physically sick. So sick I could barely sit up and read through note cards. Really, I was at the point where I didn't even care...

I don't want you to think that this semester was full of despair. Haha...really, there were many joyful moments. And towards the end God revealed to me people and places that will lead me closer to Him. For instance, I found a church that really makes me feel at home. This church also celebrates Daily Mass twice in the morning: at 7 a.m. and 8:15 a.m. This means I can make it to Mass before 8 a.m. class. I've also found people who "get" me and my desire to know Christ. They're few, but blessings nonetheless.

Needless to say, I had to figure out more than just my studying schedule. But despite the semester's struggles, I survived. I survived a stronger woman. Though I am still in need of much healing (A LOT of healing, actually), I know better how to allow for it. I've known it all along. I need to trust in the Lord COMPLETELY and I need to turn to Him ALWAYS. I also need to ask for help...from those who love me for me.

That's the thing...I struggled a lot this semester but I never sought much help from my dear friends. I asked for prayers now and then but not the help I really needed.

And one of the things that hurts me most is how I didn't follow through on staying in touch with those closest to me. All those friendships....just got to be overwhelming in the midst of my struggles. So to all my friends who didn't hear from me all semester...I sincerely apologize.

The point of this blog is to let you know how 2008 was for me, particularly this past semester. Haha. This first semester of law school that my blog makes such a big deal out of. Haha. It's true. Life is more than the rule of law...so much more. For the record, I will say that I don't find law school so pointless now. I know it's where I belong. I also realize what a blessing it is to be able to attend law school. Understand that because I was struggling spiritually I couldn't see school as a blessing but only an obstacle.

Overall, I was reminded that being a disciple for the Lord is not easy but that true strength comes from only Him. It makes sense. As I said before, I thought adjusting to a new environment would be easy for me. I never took into consideration that it would only be easy for me WITH fellowship, prayer, and focus on the Lord. Once I took Him out of the picture all fell apart.

With all hope and trust in the Lord, I expect 2009 to be a good year. Again, not that 2008 was horrible. It certainly has been the most difficult year of my life (for serious), but I believe things happen for a reason. I accept the struggles and the pain. They are opportunities for me to learn and for me to grow closer to Christ. I embrace them for those reasons. I will grow and I will move on from 2008 with Jesus as my Savior and my Guide.

Keep me in your prayers. You're in mine.

Love and a Hug,
Mariez

Law School, Week Three

2008-09-03T20:30:00.000-07:00

I'm already in my third week of law school. My apologies for the lack of immediacy in typing these revealing postings. Blame it on the workload.

Though, I must be quite honest. The workload hasn't been all that painful. Sure it's tedious at times and I would be lying if the following never crossed my mind: "What have I gotten myself into? Can I do this for the next three years?" But here I am in my third week of law school. I'm doing well, getting by and managing to enjoy myself in the process.

If I think about the transition I've made and how quickly it's happened, I'm taken aback. The shock is from the perspective of my former self, though. My present persona is not so surprised. We didn't really have time to ponder this new adventure in our lives. Once we got started there was no looking back. In law school you just GET THINGS DONE.

There's obviously a whole lot more to share, but I need to get back to studying...

Blogging is a luxury I can't afford to indulge in.

Man vs. Himself

2008-06-18T15:48:00.000-07:00

Decisions. Decisions. Some easy. Some a dilemma.

Choosing a law school, though not quite a dilemma, was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make. And I'm not indecisive.

My first round of applications [Spring '07] was disappointing. 3 outright rejections [UT, UH, ASU]. 1 waitlist [Loyola Chicago]. 4 acceptances [Texas Wesleyan, South Texas, St. Mary's, Texas Tech].

In hindsight, what's most disappointing is my lack of applications! I only applied to 8 law schools? Some people send out 50+ apps! Granted, those people probably have $2500 lying around. ::Shrug::

When I look back I do wish I had applied to more schools, because at this point I'll never know. Even when I deferred admission for a year and realized I had another opportunity to send out applications I only applied to one other school [St. Louis University, which admitted me and offered me a scholarship]. Thus, my decision came down to reinstating my admitted status at Texas Tech or take the SLU offer.

Tech vs. SLU A battle that haunted me day and night, night and day. I kid you not. Because not only did I have to decide in a short amount of time, but I was doing ministry all over the country. I was a modern-day disciple living out of other people's homes, completely dependent on others. I make it sound like this lifestyle was a complete burden. No. It was a wonderful experience, but it didn't make deciding on a law school easy.

I didn't have access to the Internet whenever I wanted. I couldn't take a weekend off to visit either school. I didn't even have my SLU acceptance letter in hand.

At the top of my priority list for choosing a school was, of course, FINANCIAL situation. SLU was offering me a scholarship that would make SLU one grand more expensive than Tech. But of course, factoring in living expenses [LBK being a smaller city than St. Louis] and travel [further and most-likely more $$$ for St. Louis], LBK seemed to be the best bet.

My next concern was location. SLU has great placement in St. Louis, but not much reach into Chicago [from what I've read], etcetera. Tech, though not a top three of TX law schools, is obviously in Texas with lots of opportunities to network in the state. I'd much rather end up in Texas than in St. Louis.

Next point of debate: quality of education. Now, SLU is a Tier 2 [ish] school, Tech Tier 3. I'm not going to lie, part of my desire to go to SLU was superficially based on numbers. But SLU is ranked 90ish and despite it's consistent number one health care law program, I couldn't justify going there because of that mumbo jumbo. That's not my style anyway. Me. I always go against the grain of popularity. It's fact. Most huge decisions I've made are always toward the least popular. [Marchning Band instead of Drill Team in high school, Baylor with its sub-par football team instead of the monopoly of UT and my first year out of college doing ministry instead of "starting my life"].

While SLU had some things that really appealed to me [clinicals with Catholic Charities, huge support for public interest law, an inner-city population that would benefit from free legal aid and volunteering], I just couldn't practically justify that decision in my mind.

Of course, I prayed really hard for God to give an answer. I promise. Had God just floated down as an angel and said, "Go to Saint Louis University, Marianne..." I would do it. But God wanted me to make the choice on my own and to trust His guiding hand in and during and after the process.

So I finally decided on Tech. The reasons being: 1) It's in Texas, where I would most likely want to end up 2) It's a decent-sized town with things to do but not too many things that would distract me 3) They have a consistent 90+% bar passage rate, and I need all the help I can get with that thing.

The moral of the story, kids. Life post-undergraduate contains many difficult decisions. These decisions are huge and we often feel like there is a directly right or wrong decision. A good or bad decision. But I believe a decision is a decision is a decision. Just decide!

Sometimes we make decisions we regret. Sometimes we make decisions that hurt those we love. I believe most of those decisions are made in hindered and rash judgement. But for those big things in life: deciding about a job offer, deciding when to get married, deciding whether or not to move into a new apartment or deciding about where to go to graduate school and many more, of course, you have the opportunity to decide something exciting. Something that will set your course of life in a new, more positive direction.

Because, really...if all else fails...and the job doesn't pan out, look for another one. If you can't decide when is best to get married, be thankful for that someone to marry. If the new apartment is off the market, be thankful for the opportunity to even think about moving into a new one. If you decide on a graduate school and absolutely hate it, ask yourself, "Am I deciding to make this opportunity count?" and then go from there.

It's all in how you look at it, folks. And it's all about honesty too.

Heck yes I'm scared about Tech. Really, what if I hate it? But I'll pass that bridge when and if I get there.

But my track record, though unpopular, is a winning one. For me, at least. =)

Toodles.

Blog, the First.

2008-06-16T20:38:00.001-07:00

Dramatic, deniably emo music. Check.
Comfort of a chair and a half. Check.
Background television show/movie [Clueless]. Check.
Thoughts. Always check.

I created this blog as a way to document the time leading up to my first year of law school as well as my 1L adventures themselves.

Yes. Another 1L blog.

But more than that, because I don't intend to type away on solely law-related things because a) the study of law will consume my life, so why allow it to take over in areas such as this? b) as dedicated as I will be to law school, my life will consist of significantly more, I promise. c) this is a way to vent and let go of stress NOT bring about more!

So things will be pretty straight and to the point.

0L: Summer '08
Well, this is an interesting summer in and of itself. I'm back from nine months of ministry with NET Ministries. This is the longest period of time I've been home since my parents' divorce. One of my best friends had a baby in March. This was my first entire year out of college.

Though the thought of law school isn't the first thing on my mind, it's something I look forward to because of all the other transitions I'm making in my life. At this point I feel like being back in school would be easier for me. I thrive in such environments with structure and discipline...not so much the chaos of summer.

Not that the thought of law school hasn't provoked profound emotions and fears. Trust me. When I first got home and actually visited the school [I have a habit of commiting to schools before I visit them =)] I quickly realized that I had a huge transition to go through. I had spent my first year as a college graduate doing youth ministry. This ministry required me to relate to youth on a regular basis. I had to make a lot of sacrifices regarding my personal desires and personal comforts. In a nutshell, the freedom I had experienced the past four years was gone. I gave my time and preferences to the Lord. Of course, I knew what I was getting myself into and I'm very happy to have given my time in such a beautiful way. I learned so much and grew from the experience.

But to go from traveling the country and having tons of fun on a consistent basis to walking the halls of professional academia was intimidating! All I could think was, "Am I even old enough to be doing this?!" Haha. And at 23, I'm pretty sure I'm at an appropriate age to be pursuing such a career. Then why do I feel otherwise???

It's not a matter of capability or intelligence. If I couldn't do it I wouldn't have gotten into law school. I guess it's because I realize how big of a commitment going to law school really is. Sure, I could just leave if I hated it. I could attain my J.D. and never take the bar. I could go through law school apathetically and get the degree to do whatever. But that's a lot of time, energy and money down the drain.

Another part of me feels like this commitment is much too big at this time in my life. Really, I feel like I want to explore so much more of the world. I want to continue to do ministry work. I want to continue to volunteer and travel the world. I have an unquenchable [or so I think] desire to EXPLORE. Usually I'm big into exploring via the classroom. I love learning! But lately I feel like my exploring needs to come about by just going out there and DOING things!

So at this point...it's all about reality vs. desire. I do realize that once I buckle down, finish school, take the bar and find a job then my adventures will come in different packages. Not to mention that I would relieve the financial burden for my mom. At the same time, I pray to God that my time will come; that I will be financially secure enough and/or able to travel for work purposes or in any other way/shape/form in the future.

God is yet again the center of all this. I must trust His plan for me. And I must trust that He knows the desires of my heart. And I must trust that patience is what is required to do God's Will.

Wow. This was a lot more typing than I anticipated for my first post.

I'm gonna get out of here. I've got an early-morning work-out session tomorrow. Whoo! Need my sleep!

Toodles.